Naruto returned a few days less than three years later. 1093 days exactly, 1093 days with Jiraiya on the road. 1093 dawns, and 1093 sunsets. Then one more dawn. Which was when he arrived at Sakura’s house and knocked cheerfully on her door.

Sakura had persuaded herself that Naruto would come back rugged and lean and powerful enough to crush Orochimaru with one hand. Naruto was the only person she could imagine ever becoming strong enough in such a short time. Naruto was the only person she could imagine Sasuke returning to.

It was a stupid sort of dream.

It was a dream she found herself rudely shaken from when Naruto battered on her front door so heavily that she was certain it was going to buckle.


“Who the HELL do you think you-”

At first, she didn’t recognise him at all.

Sakura would have loved to blamed the stall in her argument on instant recognition, and joy at seeing him again. But in reality it was simply because the boy who leaned nonchalantly against her doorframe was startlingly beautiful.

In the frail dawn light his face was cast in warm shadow, and his hair hung across his bright eyes in an oddly familiar and alluring way- a way that made Sakura’s fingers twitch to straighten it.

He was silent for a moment, and then he shifted, flickering his eyes far too obviously across Sakura’s body, lips twisting into a smirk.

“Hullo Sakura-chan!” He chimed, voice jarring in the calm morning silence of Konoha.

It seemed that Naruto /had/ returned changed. Jiraiya-sama had changed him into a raving pervert.


“Hey - Kid.”

Naruto, raised one hand, but that was as far as he went to acknowledging Jiraiya’s words. He was dangled over the side of the bridge- the meeting place he had not visited in over three years- legs and arse in the air, one hand swirling in the water.

“How did you get that enormous bruise? Mm?”

Jiraiya pretended to inspect his pipe with a smirk.

Naruto remained silent.

“Got caught huh?”

There was a vague mumble and Naruto leaned further over the bridge.

“You are not worthy of my apprenticeship brat!” Jiraiya sprung to his feet and levelled an accusing finger at Naruto’s backside. “You need to buck up!”

Although thinking about it, it was probably the Haruno girl who had delivered /that/ slap- and she had most likely been trained by Tsunade- goddess of the anti-pervert movement.

The girl had probably been primed for exactly that situation. Poor Naruto hadn’t stood a chance. Women like Tsunade- Jiraiya felt a tear form in his eye at the thought- Such beautiful women, but they had genitals carved of ice. If they had any at all.

“Oi, Ero-Sennin, you gonna point at my arse all day?”

Naruto had one eyebrow raised suggestively, as he gazed over his shoulder- and Jiraiya suppressed a sigh. That perversion- he thought, managing to /just/ keep his eyes from the firm- from the curve- from Naruto’s /arse/; was nothing to do with him. Naruto had discovered that entirely on his own.


He churned out, stopping just this side of gnashing his teeth. Three years. Three years. It would drive anyone to alcoholism. He had to find this Iruka chap, and shake his hand.

Naruto seemed to consider that for a moment, then flipped up to sit crouched on the railing. His casual expression made it seem as though the idea had been his all along.

“Is something wrong?”

Jiraiya wondered if Naruto really /had/ been oblivious to his anger- or if he was trying it on. He imagined it was the latter. The little shit. He forced a grin, and a pleasant tone.

“Ohh nooo, no, I was just imagining the long hard road you have ahead of you- so much of the art still to learn if you can still be caught so easily.”

That hit the nerve.


Naruto screeched, pointing dead at Jiraiya’s face.


There was a polite cough from the furthest end of the bridge and both Jiraiya and Naruto turned, to faced an extremely amused looking Tsunade and an extremely wary looking Sakura- who, much to Jiraiya’s disappointment had her arms folded tightly across her breasts.


Naruto liked to think that he had a slight advantage over the old man, when it came to the appreciation of women. He- unlike Jiraiya- had the genius of tactic. The noble, and prolonged pursuit of his prey. The reward of a drawn out victory.

Basically, he was perfectly willing to play the nice, polite young man- if it meant he would be under less suspect later.

Of course he was still fallible- moments of weakness when he couldn’t help his roving eyes. But he also had the advantage of age and looks. And the old pervert was jealous- it was obvious.

And so sad.

He watched Jiraiya’s glee at seeing Tsunade with a sly sort of smile. The old fart was practically /drooling/. No wonder though, the hokage had breasts the size of hibernating bear cubs.

But she was old, he shuddered at the though. And Sakura was- Sakura- and would hurt him if she caught him again. A lot. Naruto knew when he was beaten. His mind chose the easy route out, and he conceded to dream instead, of food.

Which he did quite happily until Tsunade asked him when he was planning to go after Sasuke.

“You what?”

Both Sakura and Tsunade were looking at him expectantly, and Jiraiya was behind them making odd hand gestures.


Swirls in his eyes? Sharingan? A hissing tongue? Snake? Oh-

“Of course yes. Gotta get Sasuke back from Orochimaru!”

Naruto realised he was stating the obvious, but it was buying him time. How to explain. . . .

“You see- This Orochimaru chap- er. . .”

Jiraiya was gesturing again, eyes wide in panic. He was chopping his hand across his neck, although whether that meant to /lie/, or to leave Jiraiya out of it-


Tsunade’s expression was- Naruto decided - the definition of threatening.

“Well you see, I don’t think Sasuke is with him right /now/.”

It was a diplomatic way of starting things, but obviously against Jiraiya's wishes, because the old man had covered his eyes and groaned, slumping. One of Tsunade’s immaculate eyebrows had risen, but she said nothing, and Naruto was encouraged.

“We sort of ran into that Snake freak on the way back. Him and the Bone-poky guy.” Naruto scratched his head and applied his widest smile, hoping that any minute now Jiraiya would help him.

The much esteemed, world renowned frog hermit had other ideas. He had already begun edging away, preparing for a hasty retreat.

“You WHAT!?” Sakura screeched- but Tsunade waved a hand to keep her quiet.

“Er, yeah. So.” Naruto squared his shoulders and faced Tsunade’s narrowed brown eyes as bravely as he could. “I killed the bone freak loser. And OLD PERVERT over there-” Naruto pointed violently at Jiraiya who was in the process of sneaking away, one foot raised, face caught in a grimace.

“Killed Orochimaru.”

There was a heavy silence.

“Oh yeah!” Naruto added, brightly, “Kabuto was there too- but he pissed off. . . somewhere. . .”

The silence continued and Naruto cast a panicked look towards his teacher. Tsunade’s expression was unreadable- Sakura looked as if she were about to pass out.

“I mean we really tried /not/ to kill them. It’s just. Bony was like half dead anyway. And Orochimaru was. . crap. . . .”

Naruto’s head finally managed to reign in his mouth, and he fell silence. Tsunade threw in another few minutes of silence for effect, and then finally- serenely - opened her mouth.

“Well-” She began, her tone biting, Congratulations on saving Konoha.”

Naruto thought perhaps he was being optimistic to /not/ interpret that as sarcasm.


Apparently, in killing Orochimaru, they had unleashed a series of political events that could have serious consequences for the citizens of Konoha. But that didn’t bother Naruto too much. He was more interested in grabbing a quick bowl of ramen and heading off in search of Sasuke.

He hadn’t forgotten his promise. 1093 days weren’t quite long enough to cause him to lose that memory. He wasn’t sure if it was for Sakura or himself, but he had promised /someone/ he would.

And of course there were other reasons which were much easier to put his finger on. So to speak.

Sasuke had always been a pretty boy. Naruto had never put a name to it at the time- but there had been a kind of frenzied rough and tumble energy between them. And he imagined that if all was right with the world, Sasuke would have become a /beautiful/ man.

Something the old pervert always failed to appreciate- to Naruto’s amusement.


Another thing Jiraiya didn’t appreciate was being used as a babysitter. The only reason he had tolerated the brat for so long without complaint was Naruto’s almost magical knack for learning powerful and complicated skills very quickly indeed.

Of course for every talent, there was a weakness- and Naruto, unfortunately, had extreme difficulty managing the more simple, basic things.


He also had the most nasal, irritating voice, Jiraiya thought vaguely, in the entire world.

“How long are we going to walk around here?”

Sakura and Naruto, with Jiraiya- had been dispatched immediately with the last known location of Uchiha Itachi, and Tsunade’s best wishes. Wherever Itachi was, Sasuke would be near. Unfortunately, however, Itachi’s last port of call appeared to be a rather large forest near the fire continent border.

“I mean how are we going to find the bastard anyway?” Naruto was still whinging, standing, arms and legs akimbo, in the centre of the path. “I mean- should we wander about calling to him?”

He put on a high pitched girlish voice and began to prance around, squawking-

”Sasuke-kun! Sasuke -kun!!! Sasuke-kuuuuun?!!”

He might have danced about like that for quite some time, had he not been interrupted by a quiet, but authoritative grunt.

“Hn. Dobe.” Uchiha Sasuke intoned, gravely from behind Naruto. “No need to get excited.”


Naruto turned, and the first thought in his mind was to snap back a smart answer. The second most immediate thought was that he had lost in the battle of height, because he had to raise his eyes to meet Sasuke’s disinterested grey gaze.

Oh but, god damn, Sasuke had surpassed all of Naruto’s expectations. Dark hair, dark eyes- strikingly pale, lean and frail and so viciously strong at the same time.

A recipe containing all of Naruto’s favourite ingredients.

But. It was Sasuke. And at that blank expression and dry tone, Naruto was too irritated to be turned on. Much.

“You BASTARD!” Naruto took the huge liberty of tapping Sasuke on the chest. Hard. To his credit Sasuke didn’t retaliate, opting instead of the patented Uchiha, ‘withering look’. It was an expression that Naruto hadn’t seen for over 1093 days.

It made him unexpectedly nostalgic.

“Bastard.” He added.

That was around the point when Sakura realised that yes, it was Sasuke, and yes he had got better looking.

Helping that girl gain higher physical strength, Naruto thought as he was hurled to the side with a punch like a freight train, was the worst thing Tsunade had ever done to the world. Ever.


Jiraiya decided his role in this situation was to stand back, and let Team 7 be reunited happily- far enough away that he wouldn’t be caught in the firing line when Sakura realised that actually Sasuke /had/ been a bit of an arsehole.

He had been briefed, albeit rather sketchily, on the intricate web of liking, loving and hating that had formed between the three youths.

But at the moment his biggest problem may or may not lie in the form of one Uchiha Itachi, who may or may not have been wandering around, with x and y amounts of Akatsuki goons. All chipping their nailpolish in excitement at the idea of squeezing the Kyuubi out of naruto like pips out of an overripe orange.

That was his biggest problem /until/ that is, he caught Naruto quite clearly eyeing Sasuke up over the shaking, howling shoulders of Sakura.

God no- brat, he thought desperately. Sakura might hurt you, but Sasuke will /kill/ you. He’ll ram the chidori so far up your ass so fast it’ll come out of your throat. You won’t even have time to enjoy it!

Jiraiya was torn between rushing to pull the brat out from certain death and watching with morbid fascination for the Uchiha to notice. Because he /would/ notice.

It didn’t take Sasuke long. His dark eyes widened, and his blank expression flickered. Naruto caught his surprise on the way back up from casting a lingering look at his crotch. And in a situation like that, there is little you can do but leer.

Jiraiya flinched at the way Sasuke stiffened, and his lips parted in a sort of complete horror and befuddlement. Something unreadable flickered behind his dark gaze, and Jiraiya decided that that was quite enough drama for one day.

“Itachi.” He said loudly, over Sakura’s babble of questions and reprimands. “Where is he?”

That drew Sasuke back from whatever horrid place he had gone, on seeing Naruto leer at him. His eyes became suddenly sharp, and his lips curled into a tiny smile.

“Dead.” He said simply.

Oh god, Jiraiya moaned silently, why do you keep sending me the enigmatic sociopathic geniuses?


Thankfully Naruto couldn’t even spell the word enigmatic, never mind employ it in his own life.


That was when Sasuke finally punched Naruto, and in all honesty, Jiraiya was rather glad. It certainly shut him up.


Tsunade peered at them almost in disbelief. She was stationed regally behind her huge desk- surrounded by the Himalayas of paperwork. Sakura wondered if she could spot little trig points on some of the scrolls, perhaps marking hundreds of feet about sea level.

“And then you were attacked- by ‘a bunch of random shinobi from some random village for no reason’?”

The hokage intoned, voice dry. She was reading directly from Naruto’s own report of the Uchiha retrieval mission. Jiraiya raised a hand and coughed gently.

“Ah- actually we decided that, actually- they wanted to rape us.”

Tsunade’s command of disbelieving silence was remarkable. Sakura shifted her feet but said nothing.

“They wanted to /rape/ you?”

Jiraiya nodded, and tried to adopt the expression of someone who had just been the victim of attempted rape.

“It was terrible.” Naruto whispered.

Tsunade coughed.

“They attempted to rape you then-” She continued. “And this accounts for the minor injuries sustained?”

Sakura wriggled under Tsunade’s gaze. She imagined the woman was focusing on the large purple bruise blossoming on her forehead. That, if her memory served her right, was from when Sasuke had tripped her up and she had hurtled head first into a tree.

Naruto’s black eye practically had a label on it saying ‘Sasuke’s fist was here.’ and Sasuke’s bandaged ribs probably were imprinted with the pattern of the tread of Naruto sized Konoha sandals.

“Well I’m glad you had an adventure. And I am particularly glad that you managed to avenge your clan, Sasuke.”

It was hard, Sakura appreciated, for the hokage to condone murdering family members. She was tactful not to mention that part. Sasuke simply tilted his head. Tsunade paused, to build tension no doubt, then plucked a scroll from the Everest of the piles of paperwork.

“However- due to new policies implemented by the council in the last year- I have to ask you to sign this scroll swearing that you-” She peered down at the scroll, and quoted it directly, “’Do not go on a revenge fuelled rampage without council authorisation beforehand.’”

“Now to be fair-” Naruto piped up, earning an odd stare from Sasuke himself. “He was hardly rampaging. He- what- killed one person? I could rampage better than that!”

Tsunade’s expression seemed to say she didn’t doubt that at all.


“So. . . Sasuke.” Naruto began earning a glare from Sakura. She thought that really, she was not getting enough attention from Sasuke for her own liking. And Naruto was getting entirely too much.

“Where are you planning on staying now that you’re back in Konoha?”

His voice was almost eerily like Ino’s, with the same simpering tone, and even the same batted lashes. Sakura gritted her teeth.

“Er. My house.” Sasuke said with a barely tolerant sort of sigh. “Idiot.” He added- as an afterthought.

“I was only trying to be POLITE. Geez!.”

Sakura decided enough was enough and slid carefully in between the two boys, managing to take Sasuke’s arm, and jostle Naruto some distance away.

“Well Tsunade said we would be working as a team again- so I think we should just let bygones be bygones and-”

Sakura had very good intentions of reconciliation and everything returning to idyllic past days. Unfortunately she turned to see why Naruto had hung back at /just/ the wrong time, and caught him with his gaze firmly on Sasuke’s arse.

Oh help me god, she whimpered internally, Naruto hadn’t just become a pervert. He had become a depraved, shameless pervert. Of the /worst/ kind.


Kakashi, it seemed, had spent the main part of the last three years- The last 1093 days- reading his dirty novels. Which was fair enough, Naruto decided, peering discretely at the cover, because he and Jiraiya had spend the main part of /their/ time writing them.

“You. . . enjoy the new section?” Naruto hazarded, as Jiraiya lit his pipe with a grimace. Kakashi looked up, and stared for a moment, before breaking into a smile- his visible eye crinkling in joyful enthusiasm.

“I think its fantastic! Really gives the series a fresh flavour, and appeals to more readers as well!”

Naruto grinned. Make Out Paradise’s new X-rated section was almost entirely his own doing. It was forged from a kind of peeping that Jiraiya was reluctant to do, and of subjects he would certainly not appreciate.

It appeared that Kakashi /did/ appreciate them though.

“I especially liked that arc about the cross dresser- the characters were particularly colourful and-”

The only problem with having a fan in Kakashi, was that it appeared that all the time he spent repressing his enthusiasm for everything else about his life- seemed to have collected on the one subject. And fun as it was, discussing gay porn with his former teacher- was not high on Naruto’s list of desirable pastimes.

Unlike ‘Getting into Sasuke’s Pants’ and ‘Seeing Sasuke as Naked as Possible’ -which were currently vying for number one.

“-And the use of the rope there was a nice touch especially with all Jun’s issues about control - really gave it the edge. I liked the scene with the drinking game too-”

Naruto worked very hard on tuning Kakashi out, and pleasant mental images of Sasuke /in/.


Sakura was going mad. Truly, utterly, round the bend. It would have been hard enough to deal with her own feelings for Sasuke alone. It wasn’t easy at all to deal with a lingering childhood crush fuelled wild by the subject of said crush turning into a dark adonis.

But, now she had to deal with Naruto as well. With Naruto watching Sasuke like some predator stalking his unknowing prey. Licking his lips, and gazing over with that disgusting leering grin plastered all over his face.

It was obvious that Naruto had got a lot stronger. In every training fight and practise he took part in, Sakura could tell he was pulling punches. Everything about his fighting seemed lazy, and casual- very much like Kakashi had once seemed to her.

It was also obvious that Naruto had got a lot more attractive. With his mouth shut, and that leer folded away, his lean face was striking- his blue eyes brilliant. It unnerved Sakura almost as much as his depravity.


Of course, some things never changed.

“Are you asleep? OI!? SAKURA-CHAAAN!”

Sakura didn’t even open her eyes, she simply placed a punch right in the source of that obnoxious shout, and heard a satisfying gurgle. She had been rather enjoying her snooze in the sun- a welcome break from Sasuke’s obsessive silence, and Naruto’s perversity.

When she finally decided to sit up, Naruto was sprawled whimpering in the dust, rubbing at a violent welt between his bright blue eyes. Sasuke looked up briefly, then returned to sharpening his kunai.

“You’re so mean to me. . “ Naruto whined, bottom lip wobbling. Sakura watched him dispassionately for a moment, then considered settling back down for another nap.


That thought was interrupted by the quiet greeting from across the training grounds. Sakura looked over to see Hinata trotting to join them. She seemed not to have noticed Naruto yet, which was a good thing.

When Sakura had mentioned he was back in Konoha at the bathhouse, the Hyuuga had collapsed in sheer excitement. As soon as the whimpering blonde came into the field of her considerable, byakugan-enhanced view, Hinata was going to have a fit.

“I heard you were back,” She began softly, as she reached them, then froze, suddenly as white as a sheet. “N-n-n-naruto-kun!”

Her mouth worked , but no sound came any further, she was so completely shell shocked. Sakura had some sympathy for her. After all she had been completely knocked flat on first seeing the new Sasuke. And the new Naruto was SUCH an improvement from the tousle haired, wide eyed, baby-faced brat that had marched off from Konoha over 1093 days before.

“Hello Hinata-chan!”

Naruto beamed, and Sakura was slightly dazzled. The intensity of his genuine smile was startling. Of course Hinata could do little but whimper.

“Sure is nice to see you again, ya know?” Naruto added, sitting up and propping his chin in his hand. The movement seemed to startle Hinata out of her daze and she bowed frantically, covering her face nervously with her hand.

“I- eh- It is nice to see you too, I. Have. To go and see- sorry. . . erm goodbye.”

She bowed once more for good measure and bolted, dark head ducked down. Sakura watched her go with a sad sort of sigh. Poor Hinata didn’t know the half of it. Naruto was still smiling- in fact his grin had spread to new and sunnier widths.

“Well woah! Hinata sure is stacked! When did that happen!?”

Sakura only had the energy to groan.


Iruka was worrying. He liked to worry- he felt as if he wasn’t doing his job if he didn’t worry for at least 80% of his day. He worried even during the night, when most of his dreams would be anxious reflections of his /daily/ worries.

Kakashi often liked to tell him he was too tense- with one of those lecherous looks.

That was another thing Iruka liked to worry about, but it was a sort of affectionate worry.

Currently, however, Iruka was worrying about Naruto. Not only had the blond obviously been corrupted in the /worst/ way by Jiraiya- he was also quite clearly in a delicate emotional state after the return of Sasuke. Iruka could practically see Naruto’s young heart bleeding every time they met.


Iruka made sure he was the picture of attentiveness, dark eyes fixed on the young man before him- expression deadly serious.

“Yes Naruto- do you have any problems?”

Naruto looked vaguely scared, but gave a shuffling sort of shrug and slurped another mouthful of his ramen. . almost coyly.

“I was wondering. Suppose-”

“Yes?” Iruka could barely hold in his breath.

“Well-” Naruto paused, twirling his chopsticks and staring at the ceiling.


Iruka looked as if he was quite possibly going to fall out his chair, so ~Naruto decided to cut to the chase.

“How would I go about getting Sasuke to shag me?”

Iruka looked silently horrified for a moment, then let out a howl of pain the shook the surrounding buildings right to their foundations.



The honorific was somewhat out of place against the look of sheer murderous rage on Iruka’s face. The man looked like he was about to spit fire. Jiraiya had the good sense to be a little afraid. Iruka may only wear the vest of a chuunin, but his overprotective nature when it came to his pupils was legendary.

A fool, after all, got between a mother wolf and her cubs.

“Eheheh Iruka-san how ARE you?”


Jiraiya winced. So the brat had enforced his perversions on his former teacher. How disgusting. He would have to have a quiet word with the boy.

“Well that is LOVELY- I apologise but I REALLY must be going now and-”


Good god, Jiraiya thought, freezing in his tracks. Who MADE Shuriken that size?

“Now- now-” He raised his hands peacefully, and shuffled slightly back. Iruka simply hefted the shuriken menacingly.

“What did you do to Naruto!”

He hissed.

“He’s a pervert! Not just that- he- Sasuke! SASUKE IS GOING TO KILL HIM!”

Jiraiya winced. At least there was some hope- Iruka didn’t seem to be offended by Naruto’s new ‘preference’. However, Iruka /was/ right, Sasuke /would/ kill Naruto. Then dismember him, and feed him to stray dogs. While laughing maniacally. Jiraiya was actually surprised the Uchiha hadn’t done it already.

“Woah now-”

Jiraiya put a hand on his hip and pulled on a suddenly serious face.

“I had NOTHING to do with THAT. “

Jiraiya had been accused of many things, but he wasn’t standing for this- there were limits, and he liked to stay firmly in the land of the female.


Jiraiya could see Iruka softening a little.

“Regrettably, the brat -er- found that his taste lay. . . “

He was struggling to find a suitably tasteful way of expressing it, and Iruka was beginning to look menacing again.

“Look! The kid likes men and I CERTAINLY don’t, so it was nothing to do with me. Now if that is everything, I have some research to do!”

With that, Jiraiya swept out, trying her very best not to look as terrified as he actually was. Iruka was left in his wake, with an enormous shuriken straining his shoulder and an awful lot to worry about.


“What on earth did you do to yourself Naruto!?”

Naruto simply glared at Sakura, until she decided that it wasn’t worth the bother of pushing any further. Sasuke gave him a disdainful little look, and returned to his shuriken.

Naruto had /not/ expected Iruka to react so strongly, and was, truthfully, rather offended. He thought Iruka had loved him unconditionally! Like a son! Or at the very least a cousin of some sort!

“Will it hinder our training?”

Sasuke interrupted his woe-filled train of thoughts bluntly, leaning forward to inspect the fist shaped dent in Naruto’s skull. The blond flattened his hair, a little disgruntled, but still took the opportunity to leer at the silky skin stretched across the other boys collarbones, exposed by the slipping neckline of his shirt.

Sasuke noticed, and froze, still leaning over Naruto. His dark eyes widened and flickered across the blond’s face. For a fraction of a moment, Naruto thought he could read something in Sasuke’s gaze- a reaction of some sort - but that was soon gone as the other boy nearly leaped away, fisting his hands.

“Oi. Bastard.”

Naruto rubbed his skull, while casting Sasuke a knowing wink, hidden from Sakura.

“Watch where you’re jumping, ya know? Geez!”

The glare he received was truly magnificent, it nearly knocked him a foot backwards. As it was, Naruto had rather wanted to have a nap anyway, so he folded his arms under his head and slumped back, half closing his eyes, catlike.

And that was when he caught it.

Sasuke was sneaking a glance, sly, across his chest- Naruto could SEE HIM.

He resisted the urge to react, instead stretching a little, blue eyes shaded by his lashes, hair spilling across his shoulders. He /knew/ he looked good. And apparently so did Sasuke. The dark haired boy was trying very hard to look at Naruto without being caught- but he obviously had underestimated the blond.

Naruto was an expert on peeping, and he knew when he was being checked out.


Inwardly he groaned. Sakura just /had/ to interrupt his little moment with Sasuke. The dark haired teen had returned to his shuriken, albeit with a slightly distracted air.


She was looking at him as if he had grown an extra head.

“Didn’t you come here to do some training?”

Naruto had to sit up and think about that for a while, until Sasuke reached over and thwapped him smartly across the head.

“Hn. Idiot.”

“You starting something?- scaredy cat?!”

Naruto never /could/ resist a fight with Sasuke.


Walking home that evening, Sasuke let himself take the lead. They always seemed to walk home together now, splitting ways- Sakura peeling off first, then Naruto- prowling off to his flat, his jacket hung casually over one shoulder.

Sasuke did not know what to think of Naruto. Sakura- she was still the same, taller, fuller figured, with more guts perhaps. The changes were mainly physical, things Sasuke could measure in a glance. He had never seen Sakura as having any identity problems, or emotional issues. She was a girl.

Naruto had completely changed. He acted the same- barring a few disturbing little changes- he was the same obnoxious jarring person. He shot his mouth off, he talked complete rubbish, he taunted and jibed Sasuke in that way he had never been able to resist.

All in all he was still a complete idiot.

But he fought differently. It wasn’t even a slight change- not a new way of moving, or a slight difference in balance. It was if he had absorbed an entirely different outlook on battle, a new lazy, easy force. Somehow Naruto’s power had bloomed, and with it had come the necessity to tighten his skills, to the point that Sasuke thought- no, /knew/, they were evenly matched.

And with said tightening of skills had come a new kind of easy confidence, comfortable. Sexy.

Sasuke clenched his fists at that thought, as if he could will it away. Behind him Naruto was nattering on about some festival to Sakura, who was politely ignoring him. The changes were physical too- Sasuke couldn’t avoid that.

It was so obvious, it was like being slapped in the face with something slender, and blonde, and Naruto-shaped.

“Hey, bastard-”

They had reached where Sakura took a different route, and Naruto had left her to transfer some scrolls into her pack. She had spent the entire afternoon studying the chakra vessels of a living mouse, occasionally having to chase it around the compound when it escaped. Naruto had found the whole thing very amusing, and had fallen over laughing in the middle of sparring. His T-shirt had ridden up, revealing a very tantalising glimpse of tanned skin and-

“Oi, hey BASTARD, quite spacin’ out, ya know?!”

-Wire tense muscles.

Sasuke decided he was ill.

“What do you want?”

Naruto was very close, and it was making Sasuke very, very nervous. Sakura was casting the blond a look of pure, unadulterated horror. Naruto seemed oblivious, edging forwards and driving Sasuke back against the fence, before propping one hand up beside the dark haired boy’s head.


Sasuke mustered a glare, but couldn’t quite manage to push the other boy away.

“You’re hot.” Naruto said softly. “Lets do it.”

Sasuke stared at him, completely dumbfounded. Of all the things he might have expected, that was the very last. Perhaps he had seen the few- unnerving glances, but what Naruto was suggesting was outwith his powers of imagination. He tried to think of it for a moment, but it was beyond comprehension.

His confusion must have been showing on his face, because Naruto rolled his blue, blue eyes and leaned even closer.

“Seee-eeeex.” He whispered, as if that would help.

“I know what you meant!”

Sasuke snapped, pushing the other boy back in annoyance. He was vaguely aware of Sakura calling out her support from somewhere behind him. It seemed however, that Naruto was still expecting some kind of answer.


Sasuke reigned in his expression and voice, back to the perfect disinterested pitch and blank gaze. “I’ll think about it.”

Naruto froze, for a fraction of a second then tilted his head, leering wickedly. “I bet you will!”

That was when Sakura hurled her bag of scrolls at his head.


“Look I am not at ALL happy about this.”

Sakura remained silently disapproving. Naruto did look rather bedraggled, having been at the receiving end of two beatings in one day. His injuries had in fact been so severe, that- as a healer- she had been bound to accompany him home and patch him up.

It had been nothing to do with keeping his grubby paws off Sasuke. At all.

“-First Iruka beats me up, bleeding homophobe. Then you attack me FOR NO REASON!”

Even Naruto knew to shut up when the glass bottle of ointment smashed in Sakura’s fist. “NOW YOU LISTEN HERE!”

Naruto cowered, trying to use his ice pack as a shield.

“I don’t know WHAT you are up to-”

“Up to? With what? I’m not up to anything Sakura-chan! Honest!”

Her response to /that/ was a glare that nearly /melted/ his ice pack. Exposed, without any way to defend himself, Naruto could do little but whimper.

“With Sasuke!”

She was almost whispering, two little spots of red on her cheeks.

”I NOTICE you know? What are you hoping to achieve?!”

At that Naruto’s whole expression changed, He went from pathetic, whimpering idiot- to leering beautiful stranger in mere seconds, leaning right forward into her personal space.

“Why Sakura- don’t tell me /you/ haven’t tried to seduce Sasuke.”

Sakura blinked, then blinked again. Now- if by seduce he meant-

“You know- use your sexy, sexy body.”

He accompanied that comment with a blisteringly hot look, blue eyes seeming to take in every inch of her. Sakura fought the urge to cover herself up, and swatted at him half heartedly.

She had never thought of simply seducing Sasuke- mainly because when she was younger she had no confidence in her appearance- and also, because she wanted her love for him as pure and noble as untouched snow.

Now, of course- since Naruto had taken it up- it seemed like a rather good idea. Plus one thing was certain. Uchiha Sasuke was as heterosexual as they came. There was no way she could lose to Naruto when it came to his affections.

No way at all. It was an easy win- and as Tsunade had taught her, where there was certainty- bet high.

She met Naruto’s eyes with a new purpose, and grinned wickedly.

“Bring it on. There’s no /way/ Sasuke would choose /you/!”

It was obviously not the reaction Naruto was expecting- but it seemed to please him. His shocked face melted in to a smirk that made him seem much, much older.

“You wanna bet? Why don’t we even raise the stakes- since you’re so confident you can win.”

Sakura made a point of raising her eyebrow, because she had been told it made her look sophisticated and sexy. “Why not?”

At this stage, Sakura’s common sense had taken to beating at her with a hammer- screaming a million and one reasons /exactly/ why not. Unfortunately, Inner Sakura wasn’t having any of that. Naruto laughed in a ridiculously sexy sort of way and leaned even further forwards.

“I bet I can seduce not /only/ Sasuke-” His voice had dropped to a whisper, soft and warm. “But /you/ as well- Sakura-chan.”

With that, he gave a rakish wink.

Inner Sakura drew the line at that.



“You must be getting lazy, brat.”

Naruto chose to ignore Jiraiya completely, and return to nursing his bruises. He thought healers were suppose to /care/ and /love/. He thought they were supposed to be /sensitive/.

“I mean, who was it this time? The Uchiha?”

Naruto spared him a glare. “No- /old man/. I’ve got Sasuke covered. Nah- I’m after bigger fish now. This is just-” For a moment he remembered Sakura- brandishing a broken chair leg, eyes burning with fiery rage- and wondered how he was going to win her round /now/. “A minor hiccup.”

He grinned, then winced, rubbing his jaw. Jiraiya did not look convinced.

“Hey. Look-” Naruto sounded suddenly rather awkward, casting his teacher a sideways glance. Jiraiya puffed out a cloud of smoke and raised an eyebrow, curious.

“Spit it out, kid.”

“Did. . you ever. . . score with the old hag?”

There was a long silence. Jiraiya stared at Naruto, Naruto stared back. A bird fluttered overhead- cawing loudly.

“Why would I tell you that!?”

Naruto winced at Jiraiya’s sharp tone. God damn it, his head still hurt! He tried to smile in a totally non-threatening and non-accusative way, but it made his jaw ache.

“Well- seee, you know. Sakura-chan is very like Tsunade-baba. I was wondering what. . the best way. . . in would be. . .”

His voice trailed away to a mumble, but Jiraiya caught what he said clearly enough. Enough to burst into hearty laughter, slapping his knee.

“Oh- you are out of your depth boy! Totally out of your depth! If there is anyone /more/ unlikely than the Uchiha it would - Pah!”

He dissolved into even more laughter. Naruto was not amused. Jiraiya took pity on him and leaned forward, hissing conspiratorially.

“Hey, hey- all I can say is, woman like them- the best plan is to get them good and drunk.”

He left Naruto to mull /that/ one over.


Sasuke was taking advantage of a quiet day at home, studying a new jutsu that he had developed after leaving Orochimaru. It was nice to get out of the sun, and sit with his bare feet cool on the mat floor; nice to be surrounded by silence, and the soothing sound of his brush on parchment.

Nice, that is until he was interrupted by a battering of knocks on his door.

“Oii! Sasuke!”

Sasuke groaned, but sloped over to the door and opened it slightly. He had intended to keep it half closed, and keep Naruto on his doorstep. Unfortunately, he wasn’t fast enough, and the blond bounced through into his hall the moment he lifted the latch.


“Hey, bastard- I was bored, so I thought I would come round.”

The rooms of Sasuke’s house had always seemed very empty, but when Naruto stood there, with his arms crossed behind his head- the room seemed quite full, and friendly. That, Sasuke decided, was the only reason he closed his front door and let the other boy stay.

“Hn. I was just looking at a jutsu.”

Naruto had already begun inspecting the scroll, blue eyes suddenly sharp and interested. He seemed fascinated, lips moving as he read.

“So this is- fire-”

He swivelled a finger across the diagram, and Sasuke moved to stand beside him.

“Yes, it should allow me to combine a fire seal and the heightened flesh.”

Sasuke was almost surprised at how comprehensively and intelligently Naruto could talk about seals, and how much advanced theory he knew. It was pleasant to sit there, cross legged on the floor, and discuss tactics and chakra techniques and all the skills of a ninja.

He could have spent hours like that- and they did.

“Hey. Bastard.”

Sasuke looked up from filling a few of Naruto’s suggestions on his sheet, and blinked. The other boy was sprawled against his sofa one arm stretched behind his head, brushing his blond hair.


Naruto smirked, and Sasuke felt a shiver flutter along his spine.

“Have you been thinking about it?”

There was a hot suggestion to his voice, a deeper meaning to his twinkling blue eyes. Sasuke drew in a long breath.

“. . . Yes.”

Naruto looked positively predatory as he sat up, crawling towards Sasuke.

“Thinking, huh?”

Sasuke couldn’t move, as close as Naruto got. He was painfully aware there was no Sakura here, wielding a weapon to defend his virtue. For some reason that made him feel more excited than vulnerable.

“Well- how about, we do something more interesting than thinking?”

Sasuke only shuffled back a little, as Naruto clambered on /top/ of him, blond hair falling in his eyes, smirk gracing his lips.


Sasuke managed to mutter, trying very hard to glare. Naruto was totally unaffected, and simply raised his hand, hovering, as if he were torn at what exactly to touch first.

“Dobe- don’t you dare-”

Again, he was completely ignored, and sucked in a sharp breath as Naruto ran tentative fingers across his cheek and into his hair.

“Sasuke- you-”

The blond gave him a curious sort of look, smirk gone.


Sasuke was /not/ snapping because he was wanting to get on with. . whatever was coming. Not at all.

“You complete GIRL!”

Naruto snorted with laughter, running his fingers through Sasuke’s fringe.

“Your hair is softer than SAKURA’S! What do you do? Use a conditioning masque?”

Sasuke glared, and glared, and glared- trying to convey with everything he had, how much danger Naruto would be in if he /continued/ to play with his hair. The other boy was totally oblivious, sliding a hand deep into Sasuke’s hair, as if taking a good grip- oh. . .

“Sasuke. Do you want me to kiss you, you know?”

He had the almost condescending tone of a teacher, taking baby steps with a child. . Sasuke decided to ignore that. He decided to ignore that- and the fact that he had a crick in his neck, and that Naruto’s knee was somehow wedged right between his legs, uncomfortably high.

Well, it wasn’t exactly /uncomfortable/, per se.


As Naruto said that, he shifted his knee even higher, blue eyes innocent, and Sasuke gave up. He buried his fingers in Naruto’s own hair, which was perfectly manly and coarse- and proceeded to kiss him silly.

There was a long breathless stretch of kissing, as Naruto pushed Sasuke back against the floor, sliding his tongue hot against the other boys lips- tangling his fingers in the silky hair he had mocked only moments earlier. Sasuke did his best to fight back, hooking a leg around the other boy, an action that only served to grind Naruto’s knee even further into his groin.


When Naruto pulled back, Sasuke had to catch his breath, loosen fingers clenched in coarse hair, relax tight muscles. He opened his eyes to meet that infuriating smirk.

“Well, well.”

Naruto murmured, nudging his knee against the other boy’s erection. Sasuke bit back a little moan and tried very, very hard to glare. /That/ only served to turn Naruto on further, judging by the flicker of heat behind his eyes, and the new, more determined smirk.

Sasuke was trapped. Physically, he could have thrown Naruto any number of times, pinned him to the mat, knocked him unconscious. No- he wasn’t physically trapped. He was trapped by one simple fact.

Naruto knew what he wanted more than he did.


He managed- and it was difficult, what with all this wriggling Naruto was doing.

“Stop now, idiot.”

Naruto didn’t. In fact he simply pressed on further, sliding his- remarkably flexible- tongue along Sasuke’s jaw and making a low growling noise deep in his throat.


Sasuke blinked at that, because although the blond’s name had been on /his/ lips, the tone was rather out of place. And female.

Naruto knew that voice far too well, and whipped his head up faster than seemed humanly possible.

“Eheh! Sakura-chan! Hello!”

Funnily enough it was rather difficult to look innocent with a half-ravished Sasuke between your thighs.


She cut off with a choking sort of noise, as if she had realised exactly /who/ it was that Naruto was ravishing.

“Hello Sasuke-kun.”

She sang sweetly, tilting her head and delivering Sasuke a heartbreaking smile. He was looking off at some point far on his left, cheeks slightly flushed. He had probably rejected the idea of attempting to regain any sort of dignity at all.

“YOU DON’T PLAY FAIR NARUTO.” She continued, in a bellow that rocked the foundations of Sasuke’s house.

“Eh? Sakura, what are you on about-?”


She paused as Sasuke made a nervous coughing sort of noise. Naruto ignored him.

“Well EXCUSE ME! Who is supposed to be the healer here eh? Does he LOOK drugged to you! I think you’ll-”

“SASUKE!” Sakura cried, dropping to her knees and grabbing his face. “ARE YOU OK? ANSWER ME! PLEASE!”

Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut in horror, and there was a very pregnant pause. “I’m fine.” He said eventually in a very small voice. Sakura froze.

“Not. . drugged?” She murmured, still gripping his face. Sasuke opened his eyes, and glared at her.


With that he sat up and knocked Naruto to the side, leaving the blond to sprawl on his floor, arms tucked behind his head. Sasuke, was in fact painfully embarrassed, but he would be damned if he let it show. If there was one thing Uchiha Sasuke did not do, it was act embarrassed. Or in fact anything other than completely cool.

“Are you gonna give me and Sasuke some privacy eh?”

Sasuke tensed at that remark, thrown casually towards Sakura from where Naruto lay sprawled on the mat floor. The blond seemed totally at home there.


“HOW IS IT RAPE, HUH? He was totally wil-”

“How about-”

Both Naruto and Sakura fell entirely silent and turned expectantly towards Sasuke, heads tilted. He was standing stiffly by the window, and glowering darkly.

“How about you both give /me/ some privacy.”

His icy tone didn’t leave much room for negotiation.


“Awwww Sakuraaaa- This is /all/ your faauuuult. . .”

Sakura decided to completely block Naruto out. If he wanted to whine- he could whine. She needed to readjust her game plan.

“. . I was about to scooooore! He was /totally/ into it!”

Sakura froze, and turned to face her despondent companion glumly. He was trailing perhaps two metres behind her, rubbing his nose sadly.

“He. . was?” She asked, terrified to hear the answer. Naruto, of course, seemed totally unaware of any impact his reply might have, still shuffling sadly along, dragging his feet.

“/Hell/ yeah!” He groaned. “He was harder than the Chuunin written exam!”

It took Sakura a few seconds to figure exactly what Naruto meant- but when she did she froze in her tracks, one hand pressed over her mouth. “Mmmmem mmuh!” She mumbled squeakily against her palm, and Naruto turned, curious.

“What’s wrong? If you think you’ve beaten me don’t count on it!” He narrowed blue eyes and waggled one finger at Sakura, taking a fighting stance in the centre of the road. “So this is a minor setback- I was counting on getting Sasuke when . . he was hot- if you know what I mean. . . I mean Sasuke has to be in the moment, otherwise he’ll just go all cold and-” Naruto finally realised that Sakura was more traumatised than gloating. “Sakura-chan?” He waggled a few fingers in front of her face, and then peeled back her hand from her mouth.

“An erection!?” She gasped, looking truly mortified. Naruto blinked.

“Well. Yes. He is a 17 year old boy after all.”

That seemed to make very little impact- in fact Sakura looked even more distressed.

“But that's not FAIR!” She moaned, tugging at her hair. “If he’s GAY then the bet is OFF. There is no way I could win-”


“- I mean I don’t have a PENIS! How on earth am I-”


She fell silently, still tugging her hair forlornly, wondering exactly why Naruto looked so damn /amused/.

“Sasuke , as I just said, is a 17 year old boy. He may not act like it, but I’m pretty sure he’d do anything with a pulse.”

Sakura blinked. Insulting as that statement was, it still created a gleam of hope on her horizon.

“After all-” Naruto added thoughtfully, “The repressed ones are /always/ the worst. . .“

Sakura realised suddenly, that Naruto really was speaking from experience, and for the first time it really hit her. Naruto had sex. A /lot/ of sex, it appeared. With partners of both genders.

It was a surreal thought. But of course he was, suddenly, a very attractive individual. And she supposed- grudgingly- that his wild sense of humour, and talent in battle might be seen as rather attractive.

And maybe he was a /little/ charismatic, although it was more to do with his blue, blue eyes than anything else.

“Hey Sakura, are you ok?”

She looked up to find Naruto too close than was properly comfortable, gaze concerned.


She wondered whether she would ever feel as relaxed in her own skin as Naruto appeared.

“I was thinking.”

When, Sakura thought, a little grumpily, between making out with Sasuke and putting the moves on the rest on the planet, had Naruto had the time to think?

“We should fix the rules, you know? Are we talking full, sexual intercourse here? Because then you’ve got it /slightly/ easier than me. I mean I don’t think I can persuade Sasuke to take it up the ass as easily as you can get him to-”

“Naruto!” Sakura groaned, thwacking him on the forehead. “Too much! /Please/!!”

Naruto rolled his eyes but remained silent, thankfully.

“You’re right.” She replied, eventually. Try as she might, however, Sakura could find no easy way of standardising, if you will, the act of seduction.

“Hey- are we talking commitment here?”

Naruto was in front of her now, head hunched. Sakura tried her hardest to see if he was serious, but his posture was unreadable.

“I. . I don’t really think we should bet on that.” She murmured, eventually. For a moment there was awkward silence, then Naruto suddenly laughed, turning to face Sakura with a grin.

“I got it!” He waved his arms and danced excitedly in a manic sort of victory dance, before continuing. “First one to make Sasuke orgasm WINS!”

Sakura was about to mention that she could make Sasuke orgasm by pressing any one of 3 separate chakra points in his neck- but Naruto seemed to realise that, and hurriedly amended his challenge.

“I mean- first one to make Sasuke orgasm in a /sexual act/.”

It seemed fair enough.

“All right. You’re on.”

Sakura was ready to go home and regroup- prepare herself for a battle. Unfortunately she had forgotten one other aspect of the dare.


How in hell had Naruto got so close? He was almost pressed up against her, breath hot against her cheek, one arm wound around her waist.

“I’m going for you too.”

With that he planted a rapid, but startling kiss on her parted lips- and was off, speeding down the street, driven by fear of death.

He needn’t have bothered, Sakura was too shocked to move.


The brat was whistling. Jiraiya took that as a very bad sign. If Naruto was whistling, that meant he had scored. And from their last conversation, Jiraiya had got the impression he was moving in on Sakura.

If Naruto had scored with Haruno Sakura, trained by Tsunade /herself/- firstly, Jiraiya would have to retire from shame, secondly, civilisation as he knew it was most likely to break down.

“Morning, old pervert!” Naruto chirped, settling down in front of his former teacher. When Jiraiya looked up and saw the grin plastered across the boy’s face, he knew there was no doubt at all.

“Got lucky did you?”

The grin widened and Naruto opened his mouth to reply. Fortunately for Jiraiya, he was interrupted by the arrival of Sasuke and Sakura.

Jiraiya blinked. It seemed that the sane two thirds of team seven had in fact gone a little mad.

Sasuke was bright red- almost tomato-like in the morning sun. If any more blood went into his cheeks, Jiraiya expected him to faint- and the difference was only heightened by the usually pale quality of his complexion. And then there was Sakura. Her dress was missing a few buttons from the neck- and a few inches from the hem.

“Whoooooo!” Naruto, subtle as ever, wolf whistled appreciatively. “Someone is pulling out all the stops eh Sakura-chan!? Hey-stop leering old man!”

Jiraiya groaned, and dropped his head. Whatever was going on, he’d really rather not know.

“All right!” Naruto punched the air and jumped down from his seat. “Mission time!”


“You what!?”

Standing beside Naruto, Sasuke delivered Tsunade a perfect malicious glare- one that echoed his teammate’s words exactly.

“Well, since peace fell.”

That came with a very pointed look at Naruto-

“We really have only had C rank missions available.”

Sakura opened her mouth, saw Tsunade’s expression and wisely closed it. Naruto however, had so such skills of observation, or- for that matter- any tact.



Sasuke intoned, trying, Tsunade supposed, to be reasonable.


Thankfully, Sakura clamped a hand across his mouth mid-rant, and gave the whole of Hokage tower, and a fair portion of the surrounding area a well deserved break.

“Thank you Hokage-sama” She said sweetly, accepting the mission scroll with her free hand. Sasuke still looked unhappy, and Naruto simply looked homicidal, but Tsunade had more important things to worry about.

Her nails, for example.

“Well,” She said with a cheerful smile that was as false as her youthful looks. “Good luck! Try not to get injured, or attacked by any random shinobi who may or may not wish to rape you!”

Still in Sakura’s formidable grip, Naruto winced.


Somewhere in between chasing rats for four hours without a break, and pulling stinging nettles from a crumbling wall- Sasuke contemplated retiring.

Actually, he had achieved a fair amount in his, albeit brief, career as a ninja. He had, for example, developed a few interesting jutsu; and studied under one of the sannin, if only the insane one. Not to mention he had eliminated a few S rank Akatsuki members, and avenged his clan.

So what if he hadn’t officially reached jounin level? In the face of all his achievements that was a trifling detail.

Of course he only thought that for a moment.

Sasuke sighed, tugging another nasty clump of nettles free and tossing it on the pile. He was so easily distracted nowadays, what with Naruto and his. . groping and kissing and. . . rubbing, for want of a better word. And now Sakura and her skirt and her /breasts/.

When, Sasuke muttered internally, had Sakura got breasts?

“Heeey bastard! Pass me the pointy fork thing will you?”

Naruto was perched on the wall above him, gesturing to the weeding claw that lay discarded on the ground. He had removed his shirt in the heat of the sun, and from where Sasuke was crouched, he looked like he was /glistening/.

“Sasuke? HELLO?”

Sasuke blinked, then glared half-heartedly at his friend, handing him the claw. A few metres along the wall Sakura made a small sort of grumbling noise and scrambled to the ground.

“I’m going to get some water. It’s /way/ too hot.”

As if to emphasise the heat she flapped the collar of her dress before running off. Funnily enough the heat wasn’t the only thing the gesture emphasised.

As soon as Sakura was out of sight Naruto sagged boneless against the wall, hanging catlike so that his face was the same level as Sasuke’s.

“Phenomenal.” He groaned.

Sasuke said nothing, hoping that Naruto was talking about something innocent. Like the weather. Or perhaps an interesting specimen of nettle.

“She’s got what I call, ‘small but perfectly formed’ -if you know what I mean. . .”

Naruto winked at Sasuke, who was torn between agreeing wholeheartedly, and being utterly horrified.

“- Under that dress, you can’t really tell- but she’s got the goods all right! And her leeeegggs as well. Ahhhhh-!”

As Naruto sighed, blonde hair hanging all over Sasuke’s vision, the dark haired boy tried his best to pretend he hadn’t really heard anything.

“- Of course you can’t beat a guy for a nice ass. Firmer, you know?”

There was a warm silence, as Naruto, Sasuke assumed, thought about some guy’s ass.

“You-” Sasuke hazarded, tossing a few more nettles on his pile, before continuing, blankly. “You really are indiscriminately horny.”

He almost /felt/ Naruto grin, and tasted the suddenly predatory air between them. Sasuke looked up, and was immediately dragged into a long, and very hot upside-down kiss, pressed back against the sun warmed stone of the wall.

When Naruto released him, the blond smirked and licked his lips.

“Yeah. I am.”


They finished their ‘mission’ much later than was really acceptable for three experienced ninja. Sakura seemed to be suffering from acute sunstroke, what with all the skin she had been showing, Sasuke was distracted to the point that he seemed unable to even complete a sentence, and Naruto never had been committed to the project even from the start.

Payment received however, and wall completed de-nettled, team seven trudged back to Konoha, sunburnt, scatterbrained and generally bedraggled.

“That was B rank at LEAST.”

Naruto said eventually. Neither of his teammates replied, both too tired or psychologically disturbed for any sort of response. He knew he had got off easy; every sting he had received from wayward nettles had vanished immediately - healed by his /favourite/ side effect of the Kyuubi seal.

Sasuke would probably have to bandage /his/ hands up if he wanted to use them again this week.

And that was when Naruto remembered Jiraiya’s advice from the day before.


Sakura and Sasuke almost fell over before turning to face with him, each with an exhausted sort of glare.

“You know what tomorrow is?”

Sasuke stared at him blankly, and Sakura looked thoughtful for a moment before asking, wearily, “What?”

Naruto grinned wickedly.

“It’s the anniversary of ehh-”

Ah, miscalculation. Rapidly he tried to think of something that neither Sasuke nor Sakura would really have remembered, yet was important enough to to be celebrated with. . drink, and lots of it.

“The first time we had ramen together! Ever! C’mon- how did you forget that!?”

Sakura actually looked ashamed- while Sasuke simply rolled his eyes and turned to keep trudging down the road.

“Why don’t we all go out for a drink together, to commemorate the occasion!”

Further along the road, Sasuke made a movement that may or may not have been a shrug. Sakura however had twigged. For a moment she looked as if she were about to refuse, and then a sly grin crept across her blotchy sunburnt face.

“Of course Naruto!” She sang, smiling sweetly. “I just /can’t wait/!”

Had Sasuke been paying attention he might have realised what terrible danger he was in. As it was, he was still pressed against the rough stone of the wall, Naruto’s tongue searching between his lips and- due to a little artistic license- the soft curves of Sakura’s breasts beneath his palms.


“So you’re gonna get Sakura and Sasuke drunk and have them both?”

The annoying thing about Kakashi, Naruto grumbled to himself, was that he acted oblivious and then just . . came out with these statements. As if he would be most entertained giving his former pupil a heart attack.

“That. . is the plan.” Naruto said, lounging further against the tree trunk. Kakashi had caught him during a pre-orgy nap and strategy development session.

“Can I come?”

“WHAT!?” Naruto glanced, horrified, up at the Jounin, who was as usual smiling in that infuriating way of his. “Absolutely /not/! This is MY party. Get your own . . . bunch of willing individuals.”

For a second the other jounin of the village flashed in Naruto’s mind and he had to fend off images of Kakashi, Asuma and Kurenai getting dirty in the-oh god.

“Pleaaaaase nooo-!” Naruto groaned, slumping back against his tree, and contemplating some sort of hypnotic therapy to clean his mind of /that/ particular image.

“Oh well, I can come next time, right?” Kakashi chuckled and jumped from his perch on the tree, the ever present icha-icha dangling from his fingers. “I hope you have /fun/.”

There was absolutely /no/ mistaking what he meant by that.


Naruto had only half expected Sasuke to come of his own volition. Some part of his mind had reasoned that Sasuke was intelligent enough to know what he was going to try. It was heartening to see the Uchiha already waiting in the bar- early to the point of being eager.

So, no, Naruto hadn’t read his signs wrong. Sasuke wanted it /bad/ and if wild drunkenness was an excuse, he would take it.

They had been forced into one of Konoha’s seedier establishments, where they were more likely to be served. However, if Sakura turned up dressed as she had the day before, Naruto doubted there would be any problems. Bartenders always liked a pretty lady.

“Hello- gorgeous sexy bastard.” Naruto said with a flourish, slipping into the seat across from Sasuke. “Happy first-ramen-together day!” He fended off the glare with a sultry smile and stretched his legs out to brush Sasuke’s, just a little. The other boy twitched.

Naruto was about to make another snarky comment of some sort, when the bar fell silent. The two boys turned to the door and simultaneously, let out a long slow breath.

Sakura was making her way across from the door, a determined sort of look on her face. Her usual dress was replaced with something. . . tighter and short and lower at the front and sort of silky and- basically indescribable. And her legs were long and bare and her hair was- well- Naruto, had seen a lot of girls, and none of them had quite /glowed/ like she was.

Perhaps that was something entirely different, but it did not stop Naruto from letting out a whistle.

“Phenomenal! What did I tell you-”

Sasuke nodded ever so slightly, just as Sakura slid into the chair beside him and cast Naruto a challenging look. He winked and leaned forward.

“Sakura, your boobs look fucking awesome tonight!”

Instead of slapping him, Sakura cast Naruto a superior sort of smirk, and turned directly to Sasuke.

“Do you think so too, Sasuke-kun?” She purred, and even Naruto had to grin at the look on Sasuke’s face. This, was going to be highly, highly entertaining.

“All right.”

As if from nowhere, a ridiculous frog shaped purse appeared on the table. Sakura opened her mouth as if to comment, but Naruto stopped her with a raised eyebrow.

“First round on me?”


Several hours and even more rounds later, Naruto was beginning to feel a little cheated. Sasuke was looking a /little/ cross eyed, but was as reticent as ever. And Sakura- Sakura appeared to be as sober as she had been minus a fair amount of sake.

And Naruto /knew/ he was decidedly worse for wear.

“I don’t understand though- Naruto- how come you didn’t get adopted or something?”

Also- the conversation was on some rather rocky ground.

“Well why d’you think Sasuke wasn’t adopted?! I was fine on my own.”

Lie. Naruto winced. This was not a topic he wanted to be delving into when he was drunk. Not at all. Across from him, Sasuke grunted.

“Dobe. You lived on instant ramen for 12 years.”

“Since when did you care!?” Naruto snapped, unable to stop himself. This really wasn’t going as he had planned. He wanted to screw Sasuke out of his mind, not argue with him. Time to back up, sharpish. “I mean. Eh. Yeah that was bad yadda yadda, I’m ok now though!”

Sakura looked at him steadily. “Naruto- what did you have for lunch?”

There was a long silence.

“Ramen.” Naruto mumbled.

“And dinner?”

“..... Ramen.”

“Breakfas-st?” Sasuke slurred, leaning forward. Somewhere along the line Sasuke had managed to tangle his legs among Naruto’s and the blond was enjoying rubbing his knee gently along Sasuke’s thigh.

“... Ramen-”


“-flavoured cereal! HA!”

Both of his teammates could do little but stare in horror at that one.

“An-yway. That's depressing stuff-” Naruto chimed, gulping a little more of his drink. Sasuke’s lips curved into a tiny almost smile at his words, as if they were sharing some inside joke.

“-Lets talk about something interesting. Like . . lesbians!”

Sakura blinked, eyes wide. Sasuke however, did something amazing. He threw back his head and laughed, knocking his fists against the table in mirth. His face was utterly transformed, beautiful. Naruto decided he had fallen in love /right there/- and from the look on Sakura’s face she shared the same sentiment.

It was soon replaced with a determined and challenging expression however, and Naruto knew the game had /really/ begun.

“Hey Sakura-chan-” Naruto began, still sliding his leg against Sasuke- who was gazing at him, chin resting on clasped hands. “Are /you/ a lesbian?”

Sakura had just been about to take another sip of sake, and she spluttered, spitting it all down her gorgeous silky dress. Naruto could even see a few droplets running across her skin and sliding down between her breasts.

He licked his lips.

“Hey Sasuke- do you think we should test?”

Sasuke didn’t respond because he was too busy looking at Sakura’s boobs. Which was fair enough, Naruto conceded.


Sakura finally managed, glancing hurriedly around the bar, as if they somehow might get caught. It was busy however, and they were settled in a corner, almost invisible from the door.

When she turned back, Naruto was gone. In his place, lounged across the table was a busty, scantily clad blond, with a familiar pointed face.

“Change back!” Sakura hissed, even as ‘Naruko’ slid from her position on the table and slithered into her lap. Sasuke had gone very pale, and looked as if he was trying very hard to hold something in.

“Sakura-chan. . .” Naruko whispered coyly, and Sakura squirmed back from the onslaught of slim hands and soft breasts and hair- so much blond hair.


Unfortunately struggling only landed Sakura on the ground with Naruko on top of her trying his/her very hardest to get his/her hands down her top.

And with all the wriggling and long legs and things- well Sakura was getting rather worked up. She fisted a hand in Naruko’s dress and tugged, hoping to roll her over, unfortunately, that only served to provoked the other girl. . . or boy. . or whatever- and in the struggle of sweaty limbs and groping hands she heard the ominous sound of her own dress ripping.


The girl above her licked her lips, and delivered a wet hot- very hot kiss right in the stream of Sakura’s complaints, silencing her completely. For a moment she tensed, and then the buzz of the alcohol and the hot press of hands on her hips seemed to soothe her.

And it was good. Fantastic. Even better when the slim fingers of a girl slid back into the strong touch of a boy, and silky blonde tresses became coarse blond spikes and well- something other than a delicate knee was pressed against her thigh.

When Naruto pulled back, she realised just how exposed she really was, with her dress ripped back like that, and rucked up over her hips. He was breathing heavily, a smirk playing across his face.

And Sakura realised she was very drunk indeed, because she knew he was going to win- and she didn’t care.

“H-hey.” She panted. “Where is Sasuke?”

Naruto looked around, and sure enough the other boy was gone, his chair pushed back.

“Oh god, noooo.” Naruto groaned.


Sasuke was drunk. He knew he was drunk, because the floor was moving yet he was most definitely sitting down. He knew he was sitting down, because he was touching the floor and his back was propped up against the wall.

Sasuke also knew that he was in a bit of a sticky situation- in the sense that he had never been so hard in his life - plus his nose was bleeding.

Both combined to make far too many bodily functions than he could handle in his current state of inebriation.

So he sat, and replayed the sight of Naruto straddling Sakura, strong fingers splayed across her pale- phenomenal- breasts, kissing her with that hungry wet mouth, that mouth Sasuke /knew/.

He was suddenly rather proud to have kissed Naruto.

“Sasuke! Oh man there you are!”

Naruto was staggering a little too, Sasuke thought, he seemed unsteady as he kneeled down on the tiled floor. The men’s toilet, Sasuke thought, distracted. Could they have sex in the men’s toilet? Oh no, of course not- Sakura couldn’t come in here.

“Are you bleeding?”

Naruto peered at Sasuke’s face, before wiping the blood away gently with a tissue. Or perhaps toilet paper. Sasuke didn’t actually care.

“Let’s get out of here. You guys can come and . . . sleep at mine or something- easier that way.”

Sasuke grinned at Naruto’s flimsy choice of words.

“You’re hot.” He whispered, in an exact replica of Naruto’s words to him earlier, much earlier. “Let’s do it.”

Naruto smirked, and pressed Sasuke against the wall with a long, breathless kiss. He ran his hands everywhere, too fast for Sasuke’s alcohol muddled brain to handle- except for- ‘feels good’. When Naruto broke away, Sasuke muttered grumpily at the loss.

“Thinking about it.” Naruto panted , before dragging the other boy out of the toilet.


Sakura was waiting outside the bar, holding her dress up with one hand, cheeks flushed and hair rumpled. She seemed content to simply loop one arm into Naruto’s and follow him as he dragged Sasuke along the street.

The Uchiha was totally drunk, not so much staggering as fascinated by everything on the roadside, wanting to stop and chat with every passer by, and generally so out of character, that Sakura felt almost ill at ease.

Naruto- who looked sober, seemed to sense her unease, and squeezed her arm reassuringly.

“I can see your boobs!” He whispered. Oddly enough it was pretty comforting.

Half way to Naruto’s flat, Sasuke had calmed down, and was almost walking in a straight line. Sakura could see the furtive glances he was casting, across Naruto’s collarbone, and down his stomach. She even caught him glancing at her breasts, although when she caught his eye, he simply turned red and looked sharply away.

“How faaar!?” Sakura whimpered, leaning heavily on Naruto who staggered a little. She could feel the flex and stretch of his muscles as he struggled to hold her up, and she imagined those muscles tense under silky skin.

”Not long.” Naruto mumbled, as Sasuke slid a groping hand around his waist. He continued to mutter under his breath, sounding almost disgruntled. “. . . I could just do it in the street if they want to be like this. Wouldn’t be the first time. . .ridiculous. . . a /little/ control that's all. . . .”

“We’re here.” Sasuke said, almost without a slur- and sure enough they stood in front of Naruto’s apartment building. Sakura almost laughed with joy. Between them Naruto allowed himself a tiny little shiver of anticipation.


They were barely through the door when Sasuke jumped on Naruto, kissing him with such force the two boys staggered onto the sofa, dragging Sakura with them.

“Woah!” Naruto, started to protest, but Sakura had begun sliding her hands inside his shirt. She spent a moment tracing the muscles of his stomach before she seemed to realise that Sasuke was available for groping as well, and released an excited sort of squeak.



Whatever protest Sasuke might have been about to air, after releasing Naruto from the kiss, was muffled by Sakura’s mouth. Naruto just lay back against the sofa and enjoyed the view. No need to rush, right?

Sasuke didn’t seem to agree. While using one hand to loosen Sakura’s dress further, he dragged the other down to Naruto’s hip, sliding fingers along the inside of his waistband, making the other boy gasp.

Sakura seemed to have similar ideas, slim fingers already working on Sasuke’s fly, long legs tangled with Naruto’s.


She broke away from Sasuke and met Naruto’s eyes as he slid a hand over her hip. He was flushed, blond hair rumpled from Sasuke’s grip, shirt riding up above his ribs.

“You win. . .” She panted before leaning down to kiss him, dragging Sasuke with her.


Naruto managed to get them on his bed, although he wasn’t quite sure how. Sakura had stripped Sasuke to the waist and was now sandwiched between the two boys, Sasuke behind her, hands trailing over her breasts and her stomach- and Naruto in front, pressing wet kisses against her neck.

Sasuke pressed his face against her hair and blew a long breath against her ear, one finger tracing the top edge of her panties.

“Hey-” He said suddenly, sounding surprised. “Do you-”

He was, Sakura noticed, still slurring a little, but his hands were still moving, drawing little patterns across her skin, and she could feel the press of his erection, hot against her lower back.

“Do you use the same shampoo as me!?” Sasuke spoke with an element of wonder in his voice, raising one hand to stroke Sakura’s hair.

Against the skin of her stomach Naruto let out a gurgling laugh that made Sakura shiver and tighten her fingers in his hair.

”- Ahaha! Oh man!”

He looked up to deliver them both a grin.

“It’s obviously true love! Ahaha!”

He continued to laugh through his kisses, sliding Sakura’s dress away from her legs and tossing it to the floor. It was more than a little ripped- but she didn’t care.

“Where did you /get/- ah- that dress!?” Naruto mumbled, sliding fingers around her back to undo the clasp of her bra. Sakura was trying to pull his t shirt off, but only really succeeded in pushing it up as far as she could, so she could stroke her hands across his chest.

“It-s Ino’s- hah!”

The air was cool against her flushed skin as Naruto tossed the bra to the side. Sasuke made an amazed little noise and slid both of his hands to cup her bare breasts. His hands-oh- his hands were rough and strong and Sakura dropped her head back against his shoulder at the touch.

“Ahaa! Ino! She’s going to /kill/ you- oh!”

Naruto was interrupted as Sakura made use of her extra strength to tug him right forward, hips snugly nestled against hers. He groaned at the sudden pressure against his erection.

“Oh my god!”

Naruto laughed breathlessly, moving his palms across Sakura’s thighs, pushing them apart just a /little/ so that he could get closer to her - and to Sasuke.

He met Sasuke’s eyes across her shoulder, and Naruto shivered at the heat in his teammate’s dark gaze. He suddenly had a thought, and laughed breathlessly.

“Jiraiya is going to. . have a heart attack!”

Sakura laughed at that one, and Sasuke released one of her breasts to grab Naruto’s hair and kiss him, completely missing his mouth and sliding his tongue hot and wet down the other boy’s neck.

He could taste sweat and skin and feel the tense cords of Naruto’s muscles. It was utterly amazing, to savour the stark difference between Sakura’s gentle curves, and the sharp stretch of muscle and bone across Naruto’s shoulders.

Sakura was trying to undo Sasuke’s fly with one hand tucked awkwardly behind her, and the position made Naruto laugh even more, reaching a strong arm to do it for her. Sasuke gasped sharply, as wiry fingers wormed in the waistband of his boxers and tightened around his erection.


From the shocked edge to Sakura’s cry, it seemed Naruto wasn’t content with one hand in just Sasuke’s pants. She writhed urgently against the two boys, biting her lip while Naruto laughed delightedly.

And when she managed to her her own hand inside /Naruto’s/ boxers, that was when everything degenerated into a frenzy. Sasuke didn’t care- he was drunk. Sakura didn’t care- she felt amazing. And Naruto- well, he had won. Completely. No doubt in the matter at all.


“Ugh. . .”

Naruto woke with cramp in his arm. It really /wasn’t / comfortable, in the slightest. He opened his eyes blinking against the light, to find that the reason his arm was in pain was that 9 stone of Haruno Sakura was using it as a pillow.

Well- he thought with a sigh, at least she’s naked.


She seemed to realise she was causing Naruto pain, and in true Sakura fashion rolled even closer, sending little daggers of pain up his shoulder.

“Ow.” He mumbled forlornly, but consoled himself with the fact that it was much easier to see her boobs from that angle.

Behind her, Sasuke was sprawled across the rest of the fairly expansive bed, having monopolised all of the sheets. That was ok as well, because his expression was totally beautiful in sleep, and his dark hair spread attractively against the pillow.

“Ohh damn.”

Sakura was slowing waking up, eyelids fluttering and fingers twitching slightly. Naruto smoothed a little of her hair away from her forehead and she yawned, raising a hand to rub her face, wincing.

“Oh . . . damn.”

She repeated, finally opening her eyes, only to rapidly close them again.

“My- heaaaaaaad.” She groaned. Naruto bit his lip and waited for the scream that heralded her realisation that yes, she was indeed naked in bed with Naruto.

It did not come.

“Er. Morning Sakura-chan.” He whispered, shifting his numb arm a little underneath her. She groaned and shifted away, so that he could finally move his hand and get the circulation going again.


He wisely remained silent, instead massaging his limp arm, wondering sadly if it might need amputation. He had never heard of gangrene from having someone sleep on your arm, but there was a first for everything.

“I can’t believe you have a hangover-” He blurted eventually, half sitting up. “You seemed pretty sober to me- I mean-”

“/Naruto/!-” Sakura cried, waving her arm about blindly, in the hope of hitting him. “-Shut the hell up!”

Naruto grinned and slid closer to Sakura, making sure his abused limbs were in a more comfortable position around her. She didn’t move away, only opened her eyes, giving him a tired glare.

“Have fun?” Naruto whispered, teasingly, and she moaned, covering her eyes. “Come on. . “ He murmured, tugging her against his chest and kissing her ear softly. Sakura sighed and relaxed, obviously beyond embarrassment of any kind.

“- Ok. Yes. I did. Happy?” She muttered. Naruto grinned, but wisely didn’t push it any further.

“So who won?” Sakura said eventually in a tiny little voice. Naruto could feel her breath brushing warm against his chest and was just wondering whether she would be up for another round before breakfast.

“Oh- eh? Me of course! I mean I fulfilled my part of the dare, dontcha know!”

Sakura pulled back and stared, jaw set in a sudden and determined line.

“Excuse me? Not if I made Sasuke come first!”

Naruto blinked, what was she talking about? He had-

“WHAAAT? I’ll have you know I was the one who-”

“SHUT UP!” Sakura howled, properly sitting up now, fist raised. “I had Sasuke coming WAY BEFORE YOU! I WON!”



Both Naruto and Sakura turned to see Sasuke, propped up on one arm, hair ruffled, dark eyes narrowed in a glare.

“Neither of you won. Now shut the hell up or you won’t get to do it again. Ever.”

On that note he lay back down and rolled over so that his back was facing the flabbergasted remainder of his team. There was a long and shocked silence, until Naruto finally worked up enough courage to ask- “So. . who did win?”

Sasuke twitched, and then replied, raising a dismissive hand in a slight wave.

“I did.”

He said, and then for all that they could discern, fell fast asleep, tucked happily in his bednest of covers. “Bastard.” Sakura muttered, and curled up against Naruto. The blond grinned and slid them both along the bed until Sakura was tucked neatly between both boys. She could feel herself sinking back into sleep again, and her last thought before it stole over her completely, was that it had taken Naruto 1093 days to become a raving pervert- and her and Sasuke only a few weeks.

Disgraceful, she thought, and smiled.

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