By Sarah ([email protected])

I am not comfortable with this. I do not want to talk about this. I do not want to listen to this.


That was weak.

I hate this. I hate it when they all get together and talk about dating. I hate it when they talk about what they do on dates. It's always more information than I want to know about their lives. I get this hollow feeling in my stomach and chills run up my spine from the strain of trying to look interested and not...

Not disapproving and vaguely revolted. Didn't they ever learn that you do not talk about these things? That you do not do these things? Not yet.

And I do not want to know the gory details about what Paige and Jono did in the treehouse. Ugh.

They do this every once in a while. We all gather in one of the bedrooms and tell 'war' stories. Or rather Paige and Jubilee tell stories and I sit and try to smile and giggle in the appropriate places. I don't have any tales to tell.

Would I want to if I had them? I think that is the fundamental difference here. Maybe it's because I still view relationships in a fairy tale sense, believing in happily ever PG-rated after. Maybe because I've never had a relationship other than a mild crush. (Not from lack of wanting, of course. It's just never worked out, what with Father and other things...)

Maybe I need to grow up. Stop making excuses.

Maybe I should just throw myself out there. I know Everett likes me. I bet he'd go out with me. I could get him to ask. Jubilee would probably try to kill me and I'm not sure I really want to go out with him. I mean I like him and all but he's just...just not what I want. I don't want to settle. And I don't want to get attached. But what if no one else will go out with me? Even Jubilee has dated someone, even...

I think what it comes down to is that I have is morals and they do not.

No, that's not right. I know the others have morals. Paige's are actually fairly stringent. She just doesn't always follow them. She doesn't seem to have a problem with getting drunk on occasion or even high on one or two very exceptional instances. But she will not cheat on a test. She will not go back on her word. She does her best to be there for you when you need her. She is a very good person.

But she's more than happy to have a quick fling with Angelo in the back of his Jeep.

I feel like such a freak. I feel like such an outsider. I can't talk to these people. I can't help how I am. I know I don't relate well with other people. I don't understand what they're thinking and how they can talk about things like this. I always feel so damn uncomfortable. I always sit here on the edge of my bed squirming quietly. I do not want to be here. I do not want to listen to this. I do not want to know this.