Disclaimer: There characters herein does not belong to me, unless of course, you don't recognize them. Those you don't recognize belong to ME. All others belong to MARVEL.


Paradise Island
By Sascha


Prologue

"Bobby! Get y'r ass in 'ere raht now or I swear I'm gonna do somet'in' I'm sure I WON' regret later on!"

"Oh-uh," Bobby Drake said quietly with a guilty expression on his face.

"BOBBY!!"

Amber Modine grinned to Bobby. She nodded towards the cabin. "I think someone wants to speak to you.."

"What ever gave you that idea?" Bobby grinned back. Nervously. 'Hmm..Wonder if I can make a run for it..Damn. Too late.'

The door flew open and out marched, yes, marched, a tall, lanky man with redish hair and sunglasses. He was dressed only in a pair of jeans...And he looked just a little.. um.. angry, Bobby decided. He fought the urge to hide behind Amber as Remy LeBeau closed in on them.

"Bobby," Remy hissed murderously. "Get in dere an' remov' dose ice cubes from th' tub. Now!"

"Um." Bobby said meekly. He'd known he should have melted the ice cubes before he left the bathroom, but Amber had been waiting and, well, he'd just forgotten about it. Anyway, how was he supposed to know that Remy wanted to take a shower right now?

Remy glared at him. He was still wearing sunglasses, but Bobby knew he was being glared at. He started backing up. "Look, Remy, I didn't do it on purpose, okay?"

Remy snorted disbelievingly.

"Really, I didn't!"

"Whatever. Jus' get dem outta dere! Y' might like ice-cold baths, but I don'!" Remy almost shouted to him.

Bobby was starting to get just a little annoyed. "Remy, *I* don't like this any more than you do, but at least I don't take it out on you every chance I get!"

"I see you're busy, so I'll go see if Evysie needs any help with the food," Amber said and walked away from men with a fond smile on her lips. They were just so sweet together! The way they argued it just had to be true love!

Remy gabbed Bobby's hand and dragged inside the cabin for some privacy.Well inside he let go of his hand and sank down into a near-by chair. He leaned forwards and hit his head in his hands. An act of exasperation."D'Accord,  y've got a point," he said finally. "Dis is not y'r fault more dan it is mine, but.."

"Hey, no need to apologize. I'm just as stressed out as you are. Just try.. Not to scream at me all the time, okay? Not only is it exhausting, but you might blow our cover too. I mean, how many newly weds do you know about that keep screaming to each other all the time?"

Remy looked up. "Well," he started.

"An' you know what I mean! And that wasn't it!" Bobby flushed.

"Okay, I'll try." Remy's expression turned somewhat mischievous. "Oh an' Bobby?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me y're gonna help me get Cyke and Stormy for doin' dis to us."

"Oh yeah!" Bobby promised emphaticly and nodded. "I already have a list written down somewhere.."

They grinned to each other. For the first time in a week they both felt somewhat at ease. Of course considering the fact that during the last week they had been bullied in to going undercover by the leaders of the (in)famous X-Men, gotten married (They still hadn't quite recovered from that ..memorable.. event..) and *then* told that they were going to spend a month on some holiday island completely for gay couples, looking for some metamorph who was planning to take over the world (what else?).Needless to say that they both had freaked and that the only way the X-Men actually got them to the island was by drugging them and dropping them off at the airport, practically straight in to the stewardess' arms.

They had woken up in the cabin and stared at each other with horror written all over their faces as they realized where they were. Then they had started to plan their revenge, which of course they couldn't carry out until they were safely back at the mansion....


Day One

"No WAY am I sleeping in the same bed as you."

"What? Y' t'ink Gambit wanna sleep in de same bed as *y'*?"

"No. God, I should hope not. You take the couch."

"Non. Y' take de couch. Y' brought it up in de first place."

"I'm not sleeping on the couch!"

"Well, neither am I!"

Bobby glared at Remy.

Remy glared back.


"What the hell is this?"

"What? Oh dat. Champagne. Why? Y' never seen dat before?"

"Sure I have. But what's it doin' *here*? An' what the fuck is *this*?"

"It's caviar, y' idiot. Gimme dat!"

"Why?"

"Are y' gonna eat it?"

"Hell, no!"

"Den?"

"But.. But.. This is like some sort of.." A blurry image of himself standing next to Remy saying something that sounded like 'I do' appeared in his head. "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!" Did they have to be that thorough?

Judging from Remy's expression he was remembering the same thing. "Oh merde.. Dat wasn't a nightmare, was it?"

"Uh-hu.. I'm gonna *kill* them! Just you wait an' see!" Bobby handed him the box of caviar and started pacing.

"Leave some for me will y'? In de mean time, merci for de caviar."

"Y'welcome. No, killing them is to easy. I'm gonna make them suffer.Yeah, slow torture, that's what I'm gonna do. Forever and ever and ever, and they're gonna *wish* they were dead.."

"Now y're gettin' a bit morbid 'ere," Remy commented as he opened the box.

"Do you mind? I'm plotting here!"

"Whatever. Good caviar by de way."


"Hi!" A blonde woman who reminded him uncomfortably much about Emma smiled at him. Standing next to her was a woman with dark curly hair, looking a little impatient.

"Hey."

"Aren't you a cheery one! I'm Amber Modine and this is my wife Evysie. We just got here."

"I'm Bobby Drake. Nice to meet you." [Now, go away! I have to think.]

Amber looked around. "So where's your husband?"

[Doesn't take a hint very well, does she? Wait.] "My what? Oh right.Um.. He's..Eh.."

Remy materialized behind him (Actually he walked out on the terrace, but 'materialized' sounded better). "Right here. Who are dese lovely femmes?"

[Thank God!] "Remy, this is Amber and Evysie. Amber, Evysie, this is my.. eh.. Remy."

"'Allo."

"Hi!" Amber smiled.

"Amber, c'mon, let's leave these two alone." Evysie tugged at Amber's sleeve.

[Yes. Please!] "Oh you don't have to.."

"I kind of want to explore this place a little more if you don't mind.." Evysie kept tugging Amber's sleeve.

"Oh you don't have to leave for our sake.." [Ha!]

"Do you want to join us for a picnic on the beach later on? It would be nice if we could get to know another couple while we were here."

"Amber.." Evysie was clearly loosing her patience.

"Well, I..We.." Bobby stuttered.

"See you then!" Amber shouted as Evysie finally had enough and started dragging her away from the cabin.

Bobby looked confused. "Wha..?"

"Bobby, what did y' jus' agree to?"

"I have no idea..."

"Dat's new."

"Hey, you were here as long as I were! Why didn't you say something?"

"I thought y' could handle it. 'Sides, what should I've said? 'Sorry,non, we're newly weds, see, an' we wanna spend de day in bed goin' at it like monkeys'?"

"Uh.." Bobby blushed.

"Didn' t'ink so."

"Well, you could've said something else!"

"So could y'."

"You're the smooth talker, not me. In fact, I don't ever know why I'm on this mission-thingy. You could've done this all by yourself.. Or Warren could've come with you. Or Scott. Or Logan.."

"Lo..Lo..Logan?! An' why do *I* have to be here? I don't wanna be here more dan y' do, in case y've forgotten."

"Well, you're.. You know.."

"I'm *what*?"

"..Good at sweet-talking people?"

"Y' better hope dat I believe dat was what y' were gonna say.."

"It was! It was!"

"Ha!"

"Well, it was!"

"Ha, ha. I dunno what it was y' were goin' to say, but dat wasn' it."

"Was too!"

"Was no'!"

"Was too!"

"Was no'!"

"Was too!"

"Was no'!"

Bobby just glared at him.

"Told y' it wasn'. So what was it?"

Bobby kept on glaring. "Was too."

Remy raised his hands in the air. "I giv' up. Hav' a nice day, an' try to stay outta trouble." He walked down the steps from the terrace, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

"You too! And it was!"Bobby shouted after him.


"I was starting to wonder where you were."

"What? Y' were worried 'bout me?"

"Nah. Just don't want to explain to the management why I'm suddenly staying in this cabin all by myself if the metamorph should catch you."

"I'm touched."

"I'm sure you are. So what have you been doing?"

Remy shrugged. "Lookin' 'round."

"Oh. See anything interesting?" Bobby went back to idly shifting channels on the tv, which was pretty much what he'd been doing the last few hours. He knew he probably should have wandered about out there also, looking for clues as to who Mr. or Mrs. Crazy Villain was, but.. Well, he hadn't.

Remy slouched down in chair he'd sat down in. He shook his head. "Nah. Not really. But I did find out dat dere's 78 people on dis island,including us, so we hav' a little to work wit'. How long are we stayin' here again?"

"A month," Bobby muttered and came up with a new way to torture Scott; Tie him to a chair and make him watch movies 'based on a true story'. He clicked on the remote again.

"Merde."

"My thoughts exactly."

They sat there, not saying anything for a while, then Bobby realized something. "Hey, Gambit, you know something?"

"Quite a lot actually. Y'r point would be?"

"We haven't been arguing for almost ten minutes."

"Well, whaddu y' know? Wonders do happen."

"You think we can get a long for a whole month without arguing anymore?"

They looked at each other. "Nah," they both said in unison and shook their heads to emphasize it.


Day Two

Knock! Knock!

"REMY! There are other people here who'd like to take a shower too! Preferably sometime *today*!"

Knock! Knock!

"REMY!"

Remy turned off the shower. "What?"

"GET OUTTA THE SHOWER!"

"But I'm not done washing my hair yet!"

"You've been in there for almost half an hour!"

"So?"

"Well, what have you been.. EW! That's *disgusting*!"

"What? Oh come on! I just like showerin', okay? You have a dirty, dirty mind, Bobby. Really." Remy opened the door and wandered past Bobby, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath.



Bobby had finally realized that locking himself in the cabin was not going to get them any faster of the island (which in turn would lead to a divorce from Gambit. He could hardly wait! 'Specially not since Remy had used up all the hot water), so he'd decided to tag along after Remy. He was starting to regret that. Wherever they went they saw people kissing, people making out, and he could have sworn that that couple over there under the palm tree was doing something they would have been arrested for in Westchester.

"Reeeemy," he whined. He was quite good at whining if he could say so himself, which he could. Remy's shoulders tensed.Bobby grinned. If he was miserable, then he'd be damned before he let Remy be anything but just as miserable.

"What?"

"Have you found any suspects yet?"

"I'm standin' on a beach wit' y' surrounded by newlyweds makin' out. Now take a wild guess," Remy retorted.

"Point taken." He looked around again. "So.. What exactly are we looking for?"

Remy shrugged. "Somethin' unusual, I guess."

"Like people not makin' out on the beach?"

"Oui."

"Ah. Then I don't think Lady Luck is smiling to us today."

Remy sighed. "Did y' come wit' me jus' to annoy me?"

"Yeah. How did you guess?"

"It was fairly obvious."

"Damn and I thought I was hiding it so well."

"You're a lousy actor, Bobby."

"I'll have you know I'm a wonderful actor!"

"Oh yeah? Says who?"

"My third class teacher, Mrs. Applewood. I played a tree in a school performance."

Remy rolled his eyes.

Five minutes later.

"Um.. Remy?"

Remy sighed. "Yeah?"

"It just occurred to me that if we're looking for someone who's behaving differently from the others, then maybe that someone is doing the same thing.." Bobby trailed off.

"Are you suggestin' dat we should join de party?" Remy looked at him with disbelief written all over his face.

Bobby's eyes widened. "No." He shook his head. "No way. No WAY."

"Den what?"

"We go back to the cabin and hide."

"We can't do dat."

"Why not?"

"Have you forgotten why we're here in de first place?"

"No, but wandering about on the beach is not going to help us find the person who wants to take over the world," Bobby reasoned.

"Neither is staying locked up in de cabin."

"It might."

"Non."

"Then I'll go back all by myself."

"Non."

"What? Why not?"

"Dat's gonna seem even stranger."

"It's not."

"It is."

"It's not!"

"It is.. Would you stop dat?"

"Stop what?"

"You know what I mean!"

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do!"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes, you.. Now you're doing it again!"

"Doing what?"

"Never mind," Remy sighed. He was by then holy convinced that he had pissed off some very powerful Gods some time in his life and this was their way of paying him back. "Let's jus' stop by de hotel an' see if dere's somethin' we have to attend."

"And then we go back to the cabin?"

"Whatever."

"Cool!"



"There's a WHAT?"

"A luau we have to go to. Tomorrow. That's it! I don't care if I have no idea where the mainland is! I'm leaving this place right now! I'll swim if I have to," Bobby threatened.

Remy looked at him. "Why are y' tellin' me dis? I'm not gonna stop you."

"You're not?"

"Of course not. If you die, which you will if you decide to swim to the mainland, I will become extremely depressed an' dey'll have to fly me off dis island," Remy reasoned and lit up. "Are you leavin' anytime soon by de way? If you start swimmin' right now, I can be home for Mardi Gras."

Bobby just shook his head. "You're nuts."

"I'm wit' you, posin' as your husband on some sort of Hawaiian island in the middle of nowhere lookin' for someone who wants to take over de world. I'm just tryin' to get in to the spirit of things." Remy glared at the poster hanging on the hotel's message board. "I suppose we should stop by de party.."

"What? Do we really have to do that?" Bobby paled. "We might have to.. hold hands or something. As Jubilee would say: Ewwww!"

Remy grimaced. "It's for a good cause. I guess."

"Wonder if Ororo likes cats and dogs.." Bobby said dreamily to that.

"Huh?" Remy looked confused at him. "Cats and dogs?"

"I think I'm gonna buy her dog when I come home."

"Why?"

Bobby grinned evilly. "Dogs eat anything and they dig holes in the garden."


Day Three

Remy was in a sour mode. He'd been out since the crack of dawn, looking for clues. Luckily, he thought, crack of dawn meant that Bobby had been sound asleep, on the couch, and thus couldn't interfere in his investigations. Not that it helped much. He still hadn't gotten anywhere and he... Remy paused outside the door to their cottage. He was getting this weird sense of impending doom. He stared suspiciously at the door.

Maybe metamorph-villain-on-a-power-high had taken the opportunity to kill off Bobby? Remy pondered a second then disregarded the thought. Nah. He could only dream of that kind of luck. So why the feeling of impending doom?

Bobby. Of course. Bobby had done something or another. Remy nodded to himself. Yup, that had got to be it. He took a deep breath, steeled himself and opened the door. His jaw hit the floor. "Mon dieu!"

Bobby carefully removed one hand from the poster he was in the process of plastering up on the wall and waved at him. "Hey Remy! What do you think?"

"Gaah!" Remy said, his eyes about to fall out of their sockets. The walls. . . The walls in what went for a living room in the cottage were. . . Remy stared. They were . . . He blinked. Well, that one was rather good looking actually. He arched an eyebrow. And there was no way that those were real. He suddenly remembered why he was there, got a grip, hurried inside, closed the door and locked it before turning towards Bobby again. "Where the fuck didja get all those centerfolds?!"

Bobby shrugged as best as he could while still taping another poster to the wall. "I smuggled them with me."

"De hell you did!"

"No, really," Bobby insisted. He stuck his tongue out as he concentrated on getting the poster _just right_ on the wall. He got it right and took a step back to admire his work. "Man, Ayla looks hot! Don't you think so --" He turned around. "Remy?"

Remy thought he was about to have a seizure of some kind. "Bobby!"

"Yeah?" Innocent blue eyes looked at him.

"You're . . . *We're* supposed to be gay!" He gestured towards the walls. "For some reason, I really can' imagine why, I don' think gay men have posters of half naked women on their walls! Especially not while on their honey moon!"

Bobby frowned a little. "But. . ."

"What if someone saw this?" Remy continued, picturing such a thing happening. "Oh God. . . Get them down! Now!"

"Hey! I've worked hard getting them up!"

"Either you get them down or I'll blow them down!" Remy shouted.

Bobby, instead of rushing to tear down his posters, stared quizzically at Remy. "You can do that? Without blowing the walls down?"

Remy glared at him.

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay. Geez. You'd think you were Scott the way you keep. . ." His voice lowered to a mutter, but Remy could hear the phrases 'stick up his ass' and 'taking lessons from Bishop lately' being uttered. He leaned his back against the door and crossed his arms over his chest. Well, just for that *he* sure wasn't going to help Bobby get the posters down.

His eyes landed on a brunette standing in a waterfall, wearing a minimum of clothing. He ached his eyebrows consideringly.

"Well, are you gonna help me or not?" Bobby asked.

Remy grinned at him. "Nope. I'm enjoying the view too much."

"But then . . . " Bobby looked hopeful at him.

"No, they're still going down. I'm just taking advantage of the fact that they're up *now*."

Bobby muttered something. It did, undoubtedly, include something unflattering about Remy's forefathers.

Later, way later. So much later in fact that Bobby had stopped whining about having to remove the centerfolds, Remy had found a copy of 'the life and works of Leonardo daVinci' and placed himself in the sofa in a position that only could be described as a boneless sprawl. Bobby had also found a book and had curled up in the chair, his attention completely focused on the book. It was called 'Interesting facts about Sex'.

"Hey, Remy," Bobby looked up from the book and over to Remy. "Did you know that in ancient Japan, samurai masters taught their apprentices about sex? Now, Wolverine is kind of a samurai, so do you think . . .?"

Remy stared at him over the top of his book. "Mon dieu, what a thought! Please, don't ever say such a thing again!"

"What?"

"Anything suggesting, even vaguely, that Wolverine has a sex life. The mental images are . . . Yuck."

Bobby arched his eyebrows. "Then you've a better imagination than I've got. I can't even picture it. Not that I'd want to." He shifted position in the chair and popped his chin up on his hand. "It's the same way with Scott or the professor. It's just. . ." He shook his head.

Remy nodded and went back to his book. "I know what you mean." There was a moment of silence, then Remy lifted his head again and met Bobby's eyes. "Do you realise. . .?"

Bobby nodded. "That was. . .Almost like a conversation."

"Amazing."

"Yeah. We should try it again sometime."

"Like at the luau later tonight."

"We're still going to that one?" Bobby looked pleadingly at him. "Can't I fake a fever or something?"

"Tempting as it is, no," Remy shook his head. "It will give us an excellent opportunity to look around for the bad guy."

"Or girl."

"Or girl," Remy agreed. "So we've got to be there."

Bobby tilted his head consideringly. "Okay, that makes sense. But. . ."

Remy sighed and put his book down. "What?"

"How are we gonna act? What am I gonna wear? And I *so* draw the line at holding hands! In fact, I'd prefer it if we could keep holding hands out of it also."


Jake Gavin jr, courier extraordinaire, looked around the beach. His eyes fell on a couple sitting by a tree not far away. He frowned and took a closer look. For some reason the men looked familiar. . . He nudged his distracted lover and nodded towards the pair. "D'you recognize any of them?"

Victor Creed sighed a 'woe-is-me-'cause-i've-a-overly-curious-lover' kind of sigh and turned his head to look. He immediately froze. "Holy fuck!"

"So who are they?" Jake inquired, reaching to grab the bottle of wine they kept in a nearby cooler.

"It's Gambit and what's his face - Iceman." Sabretooth sounded like he couldn't believe his own eyes and looked pretty much the same way. Jake dropped the wine bottle. Victor caught it before it hit the sand.

"*What*?"

"Couldn't agree more. What the hell are they doing here?" Victor opened the bottle and poured some wine into his glass. He would've preferred beer, actually, but the liquid seemed to be impossible to find on the island, so he'd had to settle with the variations of wine there was.

"That," Jake said. "I say we find out."

"Uh-hu. You know, I really don't think they'll tell you. I *know* they won't tell me."

"Well, seeing as you've tried to kill each other on numerous occasions, I tend to agree with you." Jake glanced around to make sure no one was looking at them, and then he changed some of his features. His nose became pointy, his chin became longer, his lips tinner and his hair turned blonde. "But I might come close enough to overhear them talking."

"Be careful."

Jake waved his hand dismissingly. "Ah Remy wouldn't hurt me. Much."


This whole luau thing was working out a lot better than Remy had predicted. First of all, since there were 76 other people around and most of those were couples, no one seemed to pay them any special attention, and second, Bobby wasn't whining. He was, in fact, drooling instead. Remy rolled his eyes. Yes, the two women were good looking, and yes, seeing them kiss *was* ... um... aesthetically pleasing, but honestly.

Bobby noticed his eye rolling and looked at him. "What?"

Remy just shook his head. "Try to remember that you're supposed to be in love with me, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. They're better looking than you are though. And female."

"My point exactly."

"That guy staring at you there, however, isn't female," Bobby continued. "He's over by your left, and he's *really* interested in you. He hasn't stopped staring since he got there. Wonder what his husband will say?"

"Bobby. . ."

"I'm serious. See for yourself."

Remy turned and pretended to look for something in the sand while sneaking a glance at the guy in question. Blond hair, blue eyes, not too tall. . . He turned back. "I don't recognize him."

Bobby nodded with a grin. "Then I'd say you've got yourself an admirer. Well, rather you than me."

"Shut up. Hey, maybe he's the evil guy!" Remy lit up at the thought. "Though that's rather unlikely, I suppose."

"And that would mean that our luck has changed," Bobby added. "A lot."


"Well," Jake said as he dropped down beside Victor. "They're definitely not here because they're madly in love with each other."

Victor snorted. "*I* could have told you that."

"So my guess is that they're here looking for someone."

"Undercover? Well, that could be it, but when did the X-Men start doing undercover work?" Victor thought for a second. "Actually, I think they have on occasion. But who are they looking for *here*? Us?"

Jake shook his head, frowning. "I doubt it."

They looked at each other.

"We're gonna find out, aren't we?" Victor said resignedly.

"Oh yeah."


Night Three

He'd been trying to sleep for the past three hours and not managed to. He lay there, listening to the silence and slowly realized it was because he was ... lonely. Well, fixing that would be easy. If he could get up the nerve to ask Remy, that was.

A quarter of an hour later, he stood in the doorway into the livingroom. "Come to bed with me?"

Remy opened one eye to stare at him. "I *know* you didn' just say that."

"I didn't mean it like that!" Bobby flushed and rubbed his hands together nervously. "It's just... It's a really big bed, and I *know* that that sofa's not all that comfortable... So I thought..."

Remy considered it for a second, then he rolled off the bed and on his feet. "D'accord. I take the left."


There was a sound of a twig snapping and then a quiet swearing. Victor shook his head in exasperation. His respect for Gambit had become marginally higher after having spent ten minutes with Jake on a stake out. Now he not only respected his fighting abilities, he also thought that Gambit had to have patience like a saint. He had to have to be able to tolerate Jake on jobs.

"Is it far away now?" Jake asked. He'd come up behind him, scowling at the twig in his hand. Victor had offered to do this by himself, claiming Jake ought to get some sleep instead, but Jake had looked at him and informed him that whoever told him he could lie, was probably doing so himself and 'the hell I let you roam loose out there in the close vicinity of Remy. I want you both to stay alive, thank you very much'.

Victor shook his head and wondered why he had to pick Jake as his mate. Surely there were more fitting mates out there somewhere. Then Jake stepped closer, laying one hand on his arm and Victor felt the strange mixture of tranquility and electricity that always followed a touch from Jake. That was why. There was an uncommon smile on his face as he spoke. "What is it?"

"Why do you think Remy and what'sit are here?"

"I haven't a clue. I seem to remember saying that a few times before..."

"I figured you might've come up with a theory."

"Haven't."

"Okay. Let's get a move on then." Jake let go of Victor's arm, expecting him to go first. "Follow your nose or whatever it is you're doing."

Victor rolled his eyes and did as told.


"Wait."

Remy turned to look at Bobby. "What?"

"Do you snore?"

"Not the last time I checked. Why? You want me to start?"

"No, not really."

They crawled into bed. Bobby fell asleep almost before his head hit the pillow while Remy was awake long enough to roll his eyes.


"Are we there soon?" Jake's voice had taken on a whining quality.

"Mm-mmm. They're in that cabin over there. In the one to the left there's two women, the one to the right is empty," Victor informed him. "And before you even think it, having me and Remy as neighbours is not a good idea."

Jake's eyes glazed over for a second. "Interesting mental image though."

"Jake!"


Still asleep Bobby moved closer to Remy. Remy woke briefly when Bobby breathed into his ear. Not spotting any immediate threats, he soon fell asleep again.


"Well, I'll be damned," Jake whispered. He took in the sight of Remy and what's-his-face laying spooned up against each other. "Think they could actually...?"

Victor looked through the window. The two X-Men looked rather cozy, he had too agree with that. He didn't think they were actually married though. "Nah."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Think you can sneak in there without Remy waking?"

"No, but seeing as that's why we're here, I'm gonna try anyway."

Jake gave him a grin. "That's my 'Tooth."

"Jackie," Victor retorted.

"Okay, okay, no need to get grumpy about it." Jake narrowed his eyes suddenly and looked intently at Victor.

"What?"

"I'm wondering whether or not you could be called 'sunshine'."

Victor snickered. "Try it."

"Okay." Jake grinned at him. "C'mere, sunsh --" He shook his head. "No, doesn't work. What about 'angel'?"

Victor was shaking with supressed laugher. "Sure, that would work. Why the sudden interest in pet names, by the way?"

Jake shrugged. "Idle ponderings. Can you think of a name that wouldn't sound overly ridiculous?"

"Killer," Victor grinned evilly at him. "Slayer. Slasher. Want more?"

"You're hopeless." Jake shook his head. "Go see if you can find out why the white hats are here, and I'll stand guard. Or something."

Victor nodded and silently made his way towards the door. He heard Jake mutter 'well, killer *is* accurate at least' to himself and grinned. The kid had a dark sense of humor Victor could related to. He reached the door and bent down to pick the lock.


Day Four: Everything Goes to Hell in a Handbasket

A loud pounding on the door woke Remy up. He carefully untangled himself from the still sleeping Bobby and went to see who was causing the noise. He grabbed a pair of jeans on his way to the door and got them on before he opened it. Outside stood a beaming blonde with a sullen brunette in tow.

"Hi!" the blonde said cheerily. "We met a couple of days ago? I'm Amber and this is Evysie."

Remy blinked. "Eh... Yah?"

"We were talking about a picnic and we were thinking that today would be an excellent day for it!" Amber bubbled.

Evysie gave Remy a 'you're the scum of the earth' look and didn't say anything.

Remy blinked again. It was definitely too early for this. He wasn't quite sure if it would ever not be too early to deal with the blonde. "A picnic?"

"Yes!" Amber beamed.

Evysie glared.

Remy blinked once more. “Oookay.” He frowned thoughtfully. “Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. When?”


"Jesus Christ, Jake! What are you trying to do? Kill me?" The only reply Victor got was a rather disconcerting grin. "Oh fuck."

"You better believe it," Jake muttered. He lifted his head briefly to give Vic a grin, then he proceeded to do his best to drive him crazy. He was proud to say he was getting quite good at that. "So, what did you find?"

Victor looked disbelieving down at him. "You want to talk about that now?"

Jake bit down.

“Jake!”

Jake licked the offended area. “Uh-huh. Good for practicing your self control.”

“Self control, my ass. You just enjoy torturing me,” Victor accused. Not that he was complaining. Jake’s idea of torture was actually quite enjoyable. For both of them.

“Uh-huh.” Jake continued on his way down Victor’s body.

“I didn’t find much…” Victor sucked in a breath of air.

Jake chuckled.

“Though I did find a complete list of everybody who is on the island. Which reminds me; Cobin and Tor Crevin?”

Jake snickered. “What? You don’t like it?”

“Not parti - Oh. Oh, *that* I like.”

“Thought you might.”


“You what?” Bobby stared at Remy. “A picnic? With them? Have you lost your mind?”

“No.”

“’No’. ‘No’? What do you mean, no?”

Remy sighed. “I mean exactly that. Really, Bobby, it’s a two-letter word. You must have learned it when you were a year old.”

“Maybe, but I’ve never seen it applied quite that way before. Seriously, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Remy shrugged. “They might know something.”

“And the sky is a nice shade of bright green today.”

“Okay, it’s a good opportunity to rule them out of the potential maniac list. There, good enough explanation for you?”

“Actually… Yes.”

They looked at each other then abruptly headed off in diffrent directions; Remy to the kitchen and Bobby to the bathroom.


“Let me get this straight… You volunteered? Have I taught you kids nothing? Didn’t I say ‘never, ever volunteer for anything’? Repeatedly?”

Jimmy snickered. “Yes, you did.”

“So what the bloody hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in San Fransisco?”

“And give up the opportunity to act lovey-dovey with you, sweetheart? Never! Say cheese!” Jimmy held up the camera.

“Sod off!”

“Now is that anyway to speak to your loving, doting, caring husband?”

“Yes! And would you quit with the camera?”

“Nope. Promised the others I would take lots and lots of pictures. Say, you wouldn’t happen to see an Hawaii-shirt in the cottage?”

“I am going to murder Val when I get home. And then I’m going to kill you too.”

“Oh lighten up, Mr. W! We’re going to have so much fun!”

“Bugger off,” Pete Wisdom grumbled. “And leave us poor, hard working, ex-spys alone.”

Jimmy took another picture.


If nothing else, Bobby was now quite certain that Amber and Evysie had absolutely no plans in the direction of taking over the world. Amber was an airhead. A nice airhead, mind, but an airhead nevertheless. And Evysie didn’t care about anything or anyone other than Amber.

Bobby thought that was probably a good quality in a wife, but unfortunately in Evysie it manifested in a way that made her glare and snap at people. Not terribly amusing that.

He had found out that Remy was really good at barbequing stuff though, so there was a bright side to this picnic. He patted Remy’s hand distractedly. Yup, a definite bright side.

“What?” Remy looked down at Bobby’s hand and then up at Bobby.

“More?”

“You’ve already had five!”

“So?”

Remy sighed. “All right, all right. You're going to end up looking like a whale, you know that, right?"

“Yeah, yeah.”

On the other side of the fire Amber and Evysie were feeding eachother shrimps and cooing at each other. Bobby quickly looked away. He feared a cavity if he kept looking at them.

“Are you going to the dance?” Amber stopped cooing for a moment to ask them.

“Dance?” Bobby repeated quizzically. “What dance?”

“Later tonight. At the main house? Haven’t you seen the posters?”

Bobby looked over at Remy. “Have we seen the posters?”

Remy nodded. “Yup.”

“And you were planning to tell me…?”

“Oh… About an hour before it started.”

“Why?”

“You whine,” Remy said. “I was trying to avoid listening to you for as long as I could.”

“Hey! I don’t whine! …Okay, maybe a little.”

“Maybe a lot,” Remy suggest. “Well, you’re not as bad as Jake, I’ll give you that, but still…”

Bobby frowned. “Who’s Jake?”

“Old friend.” Remy handed Bobby a hot-dog. “Enjoy. And, by the way, we’re going.”

“Thanks.” Bobby bit into it immidiately. “Do we have to?”

“Yes.”


“Oh, before I forget, there’s a dance. Are we going?”

Victor glared at him. “No.”

“Just checking.”


“Oooo!” Jimmy grinned and took yet another picture. “Tabitha is going to love that one!”

“Shut up.” Pete gave him an exasperated look. “And will you stop with the camera?”

“Hey, I promised!”

“Promises are made to be broken.”

“Not fun ones,” Jimmy grinned. “Say ‘sod off’!”

They were getting ready to go to the party over at the mainhouse. Pete had changed his black suit into… well, another black suit. But Jimmy had gotten him to wear a multi-colored tie which closely resembled the ties of a certain FBI agent. He’d managed that Herculian-task by throwing Pete’s entire collection of ties on the fire last night.

Pete had not been happy.


Bobby looked miserable. And not a little pouty either. "Do we have to go? Can't you just... No, that would never work. But what if... No, then they'd just think we were..." He shuddered. "But what if..." He brightened. "What if we went for just a little while? Say, fifteen minutes?"

Remy considered it. He nodded. "Yeah, okay. Only we've got to be there a little more than fifteen minutes. Two hours?"

Bobby gave him a look of pure horror. "A half hour?"

Remy went back the guest-list he was studying. "An hour and a half?"

"Fourty-five minutes?"

"An hour?"

"Fourty-six minutes?"

Remy looked up from the guest-list. "Bobby..."

Bobby sighed. "An hour it is."


The main house was heavily decorated both on the outside and on the inside. Remy didn't mind decor. He really didn't. But still... Flamingos? And God alone knew how many rainbows there were. They seemed to be everywhere. The garlands were rainbow colored. There was an enormous rainbow gracing the enterance. There was rainbow colored food, for Christ's sake! He shuddered at the horrifying sight.

" - Should've asked one of the guests to help with the decorating..." a woman's voice said behind him, the distaste clear.

Her companion snickered and replied, "You sure that would have helped?"

"Yes! Of course, a colorblind monkey could probably have done better..."

Remy turned slightly to see who they were.

They bumped into Remy on their way towards the collection of cakes nicely stocked on a table at the end of the room. They both stopped, and the blonde apologized.

Remy waved her off. "It's okay. Really. I'm Remy. Remy LeBeau, and you are?"

"I'm Joe Berg," the dark haired woman introduced herself. "Well, Josephine, actually, but nobody calls me that."

"And I'm Kathryn Berg," the blonde smiled. "Nice to meet you, Mr. LeBeau."

"Where's your husband, then?" Joe asked, tilting her head.

Remy scanned the crowd. "Over by the windows, talking to the guy in black and the guy with the camera. His name is Bobby."

"Nice," Joe nodded. "Haven't seen you around before. Been... busy?" She leered at him and Kathryn laughed.

Remy grinned back. "Yes, sort of. But, I'm keeping you. You were headed for the cakes, right?"

Kathryn waved a hand dismissingly. "Oh the cakes will still be there a while."

Joe glanced over at the cakes and shuddered. "I believe that."

The howl of the speakers being turned on stopped Remy from replying.


"So, what're you two doing here anyway?" Bobby grinned as Jimmy snapped another photo of a scowling Wisdom.

"Val tricked me," Wisdom grumbled, chewing on a unlit cigarette. It was unlit because of the numerous Non Smoking signs. "Bloody bitch."

"I volunteered," Jimmy grinned. "Sam wanted to, but seeing as he's the boss and all...And you?"

Bobby's face darkened. "They drugged us."

Jimmy blinked. "What? Who? Why?"

"Drugged us. Storm and Cyclops. To catch evil shapeshifter." Bobby scowled at the memory and dissappeared into a daydream which included Storm, Cyclops, Pokemon, Teletubbies and Barney. Pete shook him out of it with a question.

"You keep saying 'us'. Who are 'us'?"

Bobby turned red. "Um...Me and Remy..."

Jimmy's and Pete's eyebrows arched in tandem.

"Gambit? You're here with Gambit?" Jimmy stared at him.

"...I could've sworn Kitty was just joking about him being bi..." Pete muttered, giving Bobby an odd look.

Bobby turned even more red. "Yes, I'm here with Gambit, and I *don't* want to know what Kitty was joking about!"

"--AND NOW THE FIRST COUPLES DANCE," it boomed out of the speakers. "EVERYBODY PLEASE FIND YOUR PARTNERS AND GET READY FOR A SLOOOOOOW DANCE!"

Bobby paled, Pete swore and Jimmy took another picture.


"Victor?"

"What?"

"Why do you think Remy's here?"

"...You're *still* on about that?"

"Yup."

"I think I'm going to divorce you."

"Nah, you won't."

"Says who?"

"Says me. And him."

"...And people say I'm cruel... Jake... Jake! ...Oh fuck... Fuck... Don't you dare stop now! Jake!"

"We're going to find out why Remy's here, aren't we?"

"I'm going to kill you if you don't do something! In fact, I think I might kill you anyway!"

"Aren't we?"

"I am going to --"

"Nah-hah."

"...Of course we are..."

"Good boy."


"Why is your hands on my ass?" Bobby inquired.

"Why are yours on mine?" Remy retorted.

"My hand isn't anywhere near your ass!"

"Ha!"

They swayed again and Bobby sighed against Remy's shoulder. "I'm falling asleep. How long *is* that song?"

Remy half-shrugged. "I have no idea. But we're going on 7 minutes now."

"How I wish this was a sixties theme party," Bobby said wistfully.

Remy patted him on the back, removing one hand from Bobby's ass (much to Bobby's relief). "Dear, dear, it'll be over soon. ...I think."

"You are not helping."

Remy's hand fell back down on Bobby's ass. "Who says I want to help you? I'm having fun."

"I *really* didn't want to hear that," Bobby replied stiffly.

Remy snickered.

"You know, Pete told me Kitty told him that she thinks you're bi. Please tell me you're not."

"Why?" Remy asked, smiling at the couple dancing beside them.

"So I can tell myself that you're not really copping a feel at my ass."

"Oh relax, Bobby."

"Says the one who's been telling me to be all business and no fun for the last three days."

"I'm not saying you should forget about why we're here, I'm saying that if you don't stop impersonating Cyclops on his worst, someone's going to be suspicious."

"I am not stiff!"

"...I'd say something here, but it's just too easy."

Bobby blushed into Remy's shirt and shut up for the rest of the dance.


"Ahh," Jimmy cooed. "They make me miss Rictor and Shatterstar, they really do."

"Who?"

"You don't know them."

"Ah."

"Wonder if I can get a picture of Bobby and Remy together? I bet at least Jubilee would pay big bucks to get that..."

"If you move a little to the right here, you can get the couple behind them as well. Which, incidentally, would be a good thing, seeing as they're the ones we're after."

"See, that's why you're advisor, and not me. You're so smart."

"Sod off," Wisdom replied.


to be continued



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